18 September 2009

Since 11 September 2009, I have been trying to maintain a very cheerful look. I concentrated on my job while at home I tried to lead a "normal" live, showing no signs of panic, hopelessness or depression. But when I was alone a few times, tears did roll out but I quickly pull the courage to talk myself out of it. I have also told my 3 children (aged between 13 and 18 years) about my problems. Maybe because of their Buddhist training, they all took it very well and I have asked them not to talk about it in from of my parents. Yes, my parents (77 and 80 years old) are not aware of my conditions. I have been thinking how to break the news to them but felt it was too early to let them know.

My appointment with the doctor was 11.00am. I had earlier thought I will not be able to make the appointment as I had a weekly status update meeting from 10am to 1pm but somehow, the meeting was postponed. I arrived at the hospital at 11.30am and the nurse told me that I will be the last patient that the doctor will see as he wants to discuss something with me. She told me to go for my lunch and come back at 12.30pm.

It was about 1.05 before was able to meet the senior consulting Urologist and he was very direct with me. He said, I don't think you can go for surgery as he felt that the disease may have also spread to the liver and I will probably not survive the surgery on the kidney and liver. Besides he said my lungs is the primary factor that I need to deal with. Instead he recommended me to go for chemotherapy. Had I taken the surgery, my body would not be able to withstand the chemo. But he was straight and said the chemo would only prolong my life but not heal me. So the final option available is to go for some experimental drug. This drug is to be taken for live and the shocker was that it costs about RM20K+ per month and I have to pay for the first two months and the drug company will probably give me another 2-4 months of free drug under humanitarian reasons. I know I will not be able to afford this treatment. Then the doctor told me that drug company would study my financial status any may even offer free treatment.

I left the hospital and drove back to my office. I sent my wife and brother a SMS of what the doctors told me. Tears began to roll down again as I look at the three options available. It leads to death. I am dead against chemo but was willing to consider surgery but this is now also not possible. The drug is still experimental and full of side effects and no statistics of any success. I don't think there will be a successful drug to cure cancer in my lifetime.