Facing The Inevitable

I have been inspecting my body daily for signs of adverse development. This follows the resumption of coughing of blood clots in my phelgm on Monday that lasted for three days. However, I did not cough the last two days, so I do not know if it has stopped. However, when I do cough, I do fell a little pressure on my lungs. Body pain is still minimal, I get occasional pain from my shoulder area when sleeping face up. Sleeping on my sides would solve the problem.

These are some of the problems I face when doing this therapy on your own. You are not sure if the developments are healing reactions or the tumors are advancing. Of course, reading other people's experiences and the book helps but when you are out in the sea on a small boat, sometimes even small waves will rock the boat. A deep commitment and faith on the therapy are required and I constantly remind myself of this. I have already seen so many cases where when there was of some negative (could also be healing reactions) developments, the person jumps ship. I can certaintly understand this fear because you want to hang on to someting, anything believable to save your own precious life.

I am handling this slightly differently. I have already accepted the fact I may not survive long ago but this is not to say I have given up trying. It's just that I will continue to do what I think will help myself but if I fail in the process, I will not fret and will be glad to go. I remember reading in one of Osho's book that death itself is not to be feared but a start of another adventure. I have stopped resisting, attaching, clamed my fears and hopefully, my decade over of Buddhist training will help me walk my last days, should it come. No don't get me wrong thinking the latest developments are leading to this, but death is constantly on my mind, since I started my Buddhist training in 2000. Part of my Buddhist training is to face death, to ponder and even to medidate about death. I have even prepared what to do moments before death (so that it becomes second nature to me), so that the mind does not dwell in regrets and over things I fail to do.