Sunday, July 10, 2011

A Dark Tale

Today, I will share with you a dark topic, some of the things that cross my mind. The topic is about "preparing for death". Many times when I discuss it with my friends, I would often hear my friends say even us as normal people, we do not know if we will live tomorrow, die in an accident, die of heart attack, all the untimely deaths. I am sure such events can happen but you will not be able to connect your feelings to such events, in order words, you won't feel any pain when you talk about it. It's just talk because the chance of it happening is remote.

For a cancer patient, I believe it's different. No matter how positive I am, I cannot be 100% positive during all my waking hours. I can achieve 70%-80% positivity and I think that's quite good for me. No matter how much hope I feel about my chances about recovery, there is still an element of doubt. Therein lies the fear of death, an unresolved feeling. You can try to keep yourself busy with doing this or that but that does not change anything. There are still unresolved business. For me, I prefer to deal with it. Of course, there is a danger that one can get carried away with such negativity and get really depressed.

Before I start, please know that I have no wish to end my life, give up my therapy or do anything to harm myself or my hopes of recovery. I realised that "preparing for death" is not a single event that you think about it and it gets accepted and then you don't think about it anymore. What happens is that every time you think about it, a certain feeling of acceptability of death is achieved. Of course, I do get emotional during the process and shed a tear or two. There are so much attachment to the family, parents, brothers and sisters, material possessions, achievements, things you have not done, unsettle personal matters and whole lot of other stuffs that it is too pitiful to just die, especially when it's at a young age. The crying indicates there are still attachments.

So, this dying process repeat itself every now and then. For me, even after 22 months, I am still far away from full acceptance. What I noticed is that as time goes along and as the more I resolve with that part of the feeling, the more acceptance I get and the less tears I shed. I think when the day comes when I don't shed a tear, it would mean I am fully prepared for death. What that time happen, it does not mean I just drop dead. It's just that I have resolved some important unsettled matters, unloaded the materialistic baggage and loaded myself spiritually. It's a time where I can die without regret so to speak, if death do come anytime. It's not an easy goal but it's something I am working on everyday.

I think there is also a positive side to this as well. I think by working on my unresolved matters, I am also cleaning myself of not only toxic emotions but to live life freely, learning how to unload the materialistic part and seeking spiritual development that would enhance my healing. Perhaps, the full acceptance of death would also mean full recovery.


  1. Dear CT,

    There is no darkness in your tale. In fact, you are stepping into the path of the light of reality, clarity and acceptance. The Dalai Lama practices death meditation many times during the day. It is very much part of the Tibetan Buddhist tradition to prepare for death. If we find it important to prepare for life, exams, weddings and celebrations, it makes as much sense to prepare for death. We all have to die one day and we don't know when. I believe you are only helping yourself. I am happy for you and your progress.

  2. relax more,dude.

    your american friend

  3. CT,

    I feel that words do not do justice to describe what you are going through...its not easy to be a human being...we have feelings, we love, we hurt, we think, we are... Its ok to feel this way... Accept it, don't linger on it and move what you as an accountant would call..."going concern".

    Life is too precious to waste on what we cannot control. What you can control is the choice to live the time you have (all of us as well) the best you can with the people you love and build lasting memories.

    So long as your conscience is clear...your heart is filled with love...keep going on.

    Time and years are just man's creation to keep track of periods...some live for a while but leave a lasting legacy...others think they live long but are so easily forgotten.

    Go on and live beyond the limits of time...keep doing what you are doing and follow your own heart!

    You have already achieved much that others can only dream have own much that the most money in the world can never buy.

    Hope this insight helps.

  4. Dear CT,to arrive at your stage of awareness is indeed half the battle won for your road to keep on going.The other half is the therapy and medication which you seek with determination and commitment second to none.Keep doing what you are doing with no let up.My prayers always for you. fr AL MAL.

  5. you inspire me to keep going too CT. even if I dont have cancer (my mother does), the concept of dying sometimes hit me. As a caregiver I do feel overwhelmed that sometimes, dying seems to be a better alternative. I have come to terms with it, but like you I have so many concerns-- the biggest of which is my 5 year old daughter. I cannot die yet, because of her.

    CT, I agree with most of the posts here, you have dealt with a dark thought in a very light hearted way-- its indeed part of your healing. We cannot deny the existence of dark thoughts, but we must also be cognizant not to stay on it for too long. You have so many reasons to be alive, your family, your friends... and just about being you-- the contributions you can still give to mankind.

    I also do hope that you live in the present, enjoy everything you have including your family and friends... I hope someday, we can visit you and your family in Malaysia (en route to see the doctors you have mentioned in your blog) and thay you can also alocate a few minutes of your precious time to see us.