A Dark Tale

Today, I will share with you a dark topic, some of the things that cross my mind. The topic is about "preparing for death". Many times when I discuss it with my friends, I would often hear my friends say even us as normal people, we do not know if we will live tomorrow, die in an accident, die of heart attack, all the untimely deaths. I am sure such events can happen but you will not be able to connect your feelings to such events, in order words, you won't feel any pain when you talk about it. It's just talk because the chance of it happening is remote.

For a cancer patient, I believe it's different. No matter how positive I am, I cannot be 100% positive during all my waking hours. I can achieve 70%-80% positivity and I think that's quite good for me. No matter how much hope I feel about my chances about recovery, there is still an element of doubt. Therein lies the fear of death, an unresolved feeling. You can try to keep yourself busy with doing this or that but that does not change anything. There are still unresolved business. For me, I prefer to deal with it. Of course, there is a danger that one can get carried away with such negativity and get really depressed.

Before I start, please know that I have no wish to end my life, give up my therapy or do anything to harm myself or my hopes of recovery. I realised that "preparing for death" is not a single event that you think about it and it gets accepted and then you don't think about it anymore. What happens is that every time you think about it, a certain feeling of acceptability of death is achieved. Of course, I do get emotional during the process and shed a tear or two. There are so much attachment to the family, parents, brothers and sisters, material possessions, achievements, things you have not done, unsettle personal matters and whole lot of other stuffs that it is too pitiful to just die, especially when it's at a young age. The crying indicates there are still attachments.

So, this dying process repeat itself every now and then. For me, even after 22 months, I am still far away from full acceptance. What I noticed is that as time goes along and as the more I resolve with that part of the feeling, the more acceptance I get and the less tears I shed. I think when the day comes when I don't shed a tear, it would mean I am fully prepared for death. What that time happen, it does not mean I just drop dead. It's just that I have resolved some important unsettled matters, unloaded the materialistic baggage and loaded myself spiritually. It's a time where I can die without regret so to speak, if death do come anytime. It's not an easy goal but it's something I am working on everyday.

I think there is also a positive side to this as well. I think by working on my unresolved matters, I am also cleaning myself of not only toxic emotions but to live life freely, learning how to unload the materialistic part and seeking spiritual development that would enhance my healing. Perhaps, the full acceptance of death would also mean full recovery.