Thursday, March 8, 2012

What Future?

Three days ago, I revisited my near drowning experience in Redang Island in August 2006. There is one more experience that I learned then, that I hope never to experience it again. But when you have cancer, I think at any one point in time, some of us will have to experience it. What is the experience that I am talking about? When you are near drowning out in the sea, you will be desperately looking for support, anything to hang on to, to save your dear life. But there is none! It's a horrifying experience. In the case of cancer, a patient will experience this feeling when there are no more therapies that a cancer patient can take. There is nothing much more I can do for you, the doctors will say. Even in alternative treatment, there comes a time when all available options are also exhausted. It means the end. Imagine how terrifying that is? How will you take it? How are you going to pacify your heart? How will your mind maintain sanity? How are you going to live the rest of your remaining days knowing your end is near? How do you maintain your smile and be happy everyday? What will you do before the day arrives?

I had the unfortunate opportunity to relive the experience again in 2009 when my the majority of my doctors told me that is nothing more they could do for me. I was still working then and as I was having lunch with my ex-colleagues, I told them about my cancer. I told them I am going to quit my job and look for treatment. One of them told me that if she had cancer, she would work till her last day. May as well earn as much as possible in the meantime. Another told me to enjoy life as if tomorrow was my last day. Still another took me to see a fortune teller.  I asked the fortune teller if there was any major health problems that I would be facing now. Oh, that fortune teller could not "see" my cancer. Later I told him I had cancer and he was surprised because he says it was not in the readings! Frankly, I did not know what to do other than to look for alternative treatment. I chance upon the movie "The Bucket List" and saw what other people did. Got some ideas. Was also preparing for my eventual death in a few months time. During this period, I was really depressed and emotionally exhausted. Of course, I did not die within the next six months. A breath of hope came back to my life. I gained more confidence in my therapy.

As if not enough, now I may have to revisit the same experience again, for the third time! Luck really deserted me, not that I had it in the first place. I am in the second phase of my journey. Cancer has spread and some therapies are not working. There are not much options left. After that, then what? Coming full circle again. When you invests in the stock market and hope the stock price will rise, then the hope is nothing but gambling. Pure luck. Still for me, there is only hope (= pure luck = miracle) left. But luck has deserted me! Aiya, I am over indulging again. Helps me release some stress and correct some emotional imbalances.


  1. Just came across this article and thought it might be of interest to you.

    Good luck and all the best from a total stranger.

  2. Never lose hope, my friend...never cease to believe. There is no such thing as luck. All in life happen for a reason...all blessings come upon those who do good. Keep the flame burning and miracles, however big or small, will happen. Whether we live or die...our life would have been a miracle to the few out there. Stay alive, my friend, for the sake of many out there who carry the hope in you...

    Not many has pass through life with such deep reflection as you have...yet your heart is generous to share with many who have not that not a miracle?

  3. CT, I am in the same situation. What I can say is that we did it , we manage to move on and prove that those statistic is wrong , as we still here.
    Meantime, when we know it from doctor, we already know that it is a matter of days , months or years , we have to go .
    Then, we decided we will not give up , we will do our best to get over it and we also ready to accept the worst.
    Over the days , months , we manage to find something to help us to move ahead and we start getting the feel of hope is there , light is infront of us . But, inside us, we know that the day will come , when , how , we do not know.
    We carry on our life and dealing with situation , one at a time .
    Then, suddenly a day come, things getting not right and we are back again to reseach for solution .
    And we find that there is not much positive options available .
    We know that we should not get the situation affect us , make us worry . But, we are human and it is nothing wrong to feel upset.
    Since last year August until now, especially the last 3 over weeks , what is happening to me really make me sick . Pain , stomach upset and so on , until I decided to get doctor register me for Hospice service . It is not that I giving up , it is more on I need to get ready for the worst , I need people to advise me more about pain management , I need people to assist and guide my wife if things really get worst.
    Then, the advise from Hospice nurse give me new idea and I start to get situation slowly turn around for the last one over week .
    I am getting better now, no more on pain killer , gastric better control and I start to see the light again .
    I been follow your blog since last year, so far, this is the blog I check on it almost every day. As you really inspire me and since I read your blog, I feel that what I went thro' is nothing compare with you .
    Friend , you will get over it , we will get over it , all our friends who is fighting with the 'c' will get over it .
    God bless .
    Wish all of us have a good day.