Saturday, March 3, 2012

Dark Clouds Rolled In

Yesterday night, I managed to sleep without a sleeping aid. I believe this was due to my tiredness as I was not able to sleep the whole night the day before. I was awaken by a pain from my right abdominal area at about 5.30am, the same place where I had my HIFU procedure. It was painful for me to getup and sit on the bed. I think that could also be due to some internal bleeding. I noticed that my stools are rather red. I will take some samples and arrange for lab testing to check for traces of blood. Just then, I remembered my friend that was hospitalised in University Hospital (UH). I began to sent positive thoughts to her but was oblivious to the tears I was shedding. Then a thought suddenly occurred that maybe my life is also coming to an end too. I allow myself to indulge to get in touch with my emotions. There I was talking about no self-pity the day before and now overwhelmed with tears filled with self-pity. Hypocrisy at its best. I felt wonderfully sad. How ironic? I think I needed a good cry to soothe my bleeding heart. This was probably my subconscious mind putting my emotions back in order. Emotional cleansing if you will.

Last two days, my coughing frequency has increased. Yesterday I was coughing a little harder than usual and in one of my coughs, I notice blood stained clots. I also wanted to go for my IVC treatment in the afternoon but after discovery of the blood stained phlegm, I decided to postpone it to another day until I get my lab test results. As a precaution, I took some TCM pills Shui Feng Su He Wan to relief my coughing.

I have been meeting with my brother and sisters almost every week for quite sometime now. Prior to my cancer days, we don't meet so often. Each week, we have lunch together to catch-up. One of the usual question was "how I am doing?" I have been very upfront with my siblings and also my parents ever since they knew of my cancer. I try not to paint a good picture when it is not good, just to pacify them. I believe that by telling the truth, I would prepare them for my in-eventuality. But when it is easy telling your family the truth. In reality, I am also preparing myself for the acceptance. I tell them not to worry about me. I am doing all that are possible and the rest is not up to me. Until then, I will lead a very positive life and be as happy as I can. This does not mean that I have resigned to my present fate. I believe in changing destiny.

Last night, I went out to meet a friend at Taipan for a chat. It is a very busy commercial area and I was happy that I managed to find a parking space. After the meeting, I found myself stranded in the car park as I could not deactivate my car alarm. I called my neighbour who runs a car accessories shop for help. By the time he arrived, it was almost 12 midnight. Somehow, he heard me wrongly over the phone and went to another place to meet me. After checking, he said I forgot to switch off my car lights resulting in the car battery running flat.  Silly me. What was I thinking when I parked my car and not noticing the car lights was not switched off?

1 comment:

  1. Hi Chang,

    It's nice to listen to down-to-earth story. That brings out the real person in us. A person who is honest to a fault can live a happy life, for he doesn't have to invent further lies to cover up all his lies.

    Siblings in harmony is a bleesing, for it is where one will find unconditional support.

    To release our emotion in a proper manner is a positive approach. Although "upekkha" is a noble condition, we are still human who needs to release our emotions and expel them from our systems. This is also a very therapeutic reaction to rid ourselves of all our negative vibrations.

    Just my 2-sen worth of sharing my thoughts.

    Take care.