Having stage 4 end stage cancer is really terrifying. Everyday I look at death, not sure when it comes. Tears just fall, I am not in control. The heart is so sad, there are no events to compare it to. The emotions that goes through the mind are overwhelming. Clinging to my dear life, I pine for health, something that I take for granted that I have but suddenly taken away from me. No warning. I realised that my only chance of surviving is to turn the tables on sadness. No more self pity, no more feeling of helplessness, uselessness, no more all the no-nos, embracing each day as it comes. Traveling on a cancer journey then becomes an adventure. Everyday is a different experience. I learned the joy of sharing and thus this blog was born. It's incredible, you "meet" so many people from all over the world. People you don't know but encouraging you to strive on. Surely this is hope? From isolation of fighting this battle alone, I am now surrounded by so many well wishers. It's unbelievable. A friend told me that all I need to do is to reach out. Reach out I did. Surround yourself with happy people and you will be happy.
This journey is long. I am not sure how far I have traveled because I still can't see the road ahead. So for me, everyday I live is a bonus. I am so much happier now though there are occasionally bumps of sadness along the way. I met and made many new friends along the way. Some of them are also cancer patients and we stay in touch encouraging each other to strive on. The road is not always smooth riding. Sometimes, it's like traveling on a steep and winding road with a deep ravine by the side. Anything can happen. For example, yesterday I received an email from a cancer friend and this is what she wrote:
Sorry I am having short of breath yesterday afternoon, now in UH. If they can't solve the problem for me able to travel to Germany. I may have to say bye bye to all of you!
Immediately my heart sank and I shouted no! I just could not contain my tears. Not another please. I lost a friend in October 2011 last year, one in December and yesterday I received a email that read "I regret to inform you that my brother Winston has passed on and called home by the good lord. He passed away on Sunday 26 Feb." He was fine when I met him a couple of months ago. This is hard for me to take. I quickly composed myself and replied to her to be positive and not jump the gun. I am sure the hospital will do whatever they can to clear her breathing problems. I am sending positive thoughts to her.
Although I am a kidney cancer patient, I can really understand her problems because the tumors has spread to my lungs too. If I am not able to contain the tumors, they would grow and occupy my whole lungs and I was also die of breathing difficulties. She was doing quite OK and was planning to go to Germany with me in April. But all of a sudden, the situation changed. But I am still hoping that she can come along. Such is our lives.