Sunday, March 4, 2012

A Breath of Air

I am breathing a sight of relief. I managed to sleep rather well yesterday, most of it undisturbed. I hope this would continue. The pain from my right abdomen has improved somewhat. I can sit and lie down without much problems. When I examine that abdominal area, I can feel the bulge around side of the abdomen. If I was not sick, I would probably think that it is the spare tire. Yesterday before bathing, I had a look at myself in the mirror, something I did not do for a long time. Still could not recognised my own cancer ravaged body. The visible ribs, absence of muscles and sickly skin. Looks like a seriously malnutrition person. Sigh.

The discovery of a new tumor on my right lung has made my breathing a little more difficult. I find that I can't breath hard. To escape the realities of illness, sometimes I bury myself listening to some old music. I like songs from the 70s, love those from the 80s and 90s. I don't understand most pop music made since the new millennium. I like to sing once in a while, however my voice is scratchy. I can't to seems to hold my breath and the voice always break up. Not that I am a good singer. My guitar is collecting dust. Now I can't even sing along my favorite songs. To borrow a line from ABBA (Thank you for your music), what would life be without a sound and a dance?

Yesterday, towards later in the afternoon, I began to cough again. Again, had a hard cough and noticed the phlegm had blood clots again. This time it was solid and darkish in color. Luckily the coughing stopped towards the evening.

As I was reading Bernard Khoo's blog, Zorro-unmasked, I saw something that I think is appropriate reminder to all the busy people out there. Of course for us cancer patients, it's even more urgent.

Sometimes we guard our feelings
when we should let them go
and tell the special people in our lives
that we care for them so.
One day without warning,
they may be gone,
At every opportunity,
tell those you love
that you care
before the day comes along
and they are no longer there.


  1. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Your blog is a constant reminder that we always have a choice on how we look at life. You have such amazing grace, courage and honest insights. I sincerely wish you the best in everything that you do.

  2. Hi, CT ,
    About coughing with blood show up in phlegm, you may try TRANSAMIN , it help me to stop the bleeding as when bleeding increase and cough out with blood in phlegm.
    I been using it since 2008 , but, only use it as when needed. Maybe you can do some reseach and discuss with your doctor.

  3. Dear SK,

    Thanks for information.

    So far, I try not to take any medication if possible. I will try the natural way first but if it fails, I guess I have no choice then.

  4. Have you ever tried Dimethyl Sulfoxide (DMSO) for your pain? My husband uses it for pain in his elbows and hands, and says it works good for him.