Saturday, March 10, 2012

Day After Day

The other day, an anonymous reader said "by writing every single day, and mentioning about your cancer, wouldn't that be reminding you constantly that you are not well, and you continue to dwell in the sea of depression?" I did give a short reply then but today, I thought I would thought I would touch on that topic a little more. I am happy he or she asked that question.

When you discovered you have cancer, after all the initial shock or whatever you want to call it, you will quickly wake up and realise that you now have cancer. Some people chose to remain angry questioning "why me?" and can spend their rest of the remaining life angry with every one and still not get an answer. Some others chose to accept the reality and make the best out of it. No matter which path one chooses, as a cancer patient, we live with the cancer day in and day out. Once you have cancer, it will stay with you forever. Even after in remission, you are living with the fear of recurrence. 

There are so many things happening in a day. From the moment I wake up, I feel the sickness, it's only a question of whether its was better or worst than yesterday. Of course, many cancer patients keep themselves busy with various activities throughout the day. Hopefully during those times, the mind is off the illness. When the illness is improving or stable, then it is much easier to manage. But when the illness is progressing, got more things to think about. There are many things a cancer patient has the decide as well. For example, if the cancer has spread, do you tell it to your family, siblings and parents? When in pain, do you show your pain in front of your family, siblings and parents? Like I was coughing blood, I had to do it quietly because if my parents see me oozing so much blood, it will cause them great pain. Also when I need to cry, I have to find a solitary place to do it, hiding my emotional pain. When I am depressed, I have to act in a normal way and yet at the same time pacify my emotions. Otherwise people around you get worried too. Then there are therapies to consider and research. Funds running low. And the lists goes on.

One of the main charcteristics of cancer is pain, excruciating pain at times. It sticks with you 24 hours a day whether you are aware of it or not. At times when the pain score is low, maybe 2 or 3, the pain is in the background and I can mostly ignore it. This is considered comfortable and of course as the pain score rises, the only way to keep the pain at bay is to take pain killers. My worst experience was in Chongqing, China after my TAE procedure. Morphine is the mother of all pain killers. Even after receiving the morphine jab, I could still feel the excruciating pain. If it was possible I would want to end my life then.

I find blogging very therapeutic. It allows me to express my thoughts and emotions, reflect on what's going on with me, my life and my illness. It also allows me to come into contact with many people, especially other cancer patients as well. The mutual sharing and support for each other. Some readers go out the way to write to me, phone me and console me while others prefer to write in the comments. Some readers go even further by providing me with some funds or training. All these helps me to cope better.

I am also sending out a message to all healthy people. You can see how difficult the life of a cancer patient can be. Please spend sometime on your health. It's worth it.


  1. Morning ! Good sharing . You speak out the feeling of other who is fighting with the 'c' .
    It's so true that the hardest thing is how to hide the actual situation from parent to avoid them from worry .
    Yes ! We should always remember to look seriously into our health , when chasing after wealth.

  2. Hi Chang,

    I am past 60. Each day I live to remind myself that another day alive is a bonus. My top priority is good health. And I try my best to eat right, drink right and think right. The specter of death at anytime is very real to me.

    Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts and feelings with us. It certainly is very therapeutic.

    I take the liberty to "copy & paste" your posting in my blog. Hope your permission is given.

    Take care.