Saturday, February 12, 2011

Flashback: First Twelve Months

I think I am getting used to low dose naltrexone (LDN), although I did take a much longer time to fall asleep, I have no problems sleeping. I hope my back pain is a thing of the past but today, I developed a headche. This is apparently, another side effect. I felt better after a self massage around the temple area.

My first encounter with cancer was in my teens when I visited my sick relative in hospital. She had cervical cancer and I visited her days before she passed on. I vividly remember that she was really frail looking, white hair, balding and the most scary part was she was really thin to the bones. I had also seen her in her pre-cancer days. It took a while, but soon like all painful events, forgotten.

When the doctor first told me that I had untreatable stage 4 kidney cancer and sent me home, I did not know how to respond. Shocked was too mild of a word. I sat outside the hospital for two hours thinking what to do while waiting for the rain to stop. What am I gonna do? I think my survival instincts kicked in and offered myself hope by saying I will cure myself. But I have no clue even how to begin.

I told my wife, brother and sisters about my cancer and they too were at a loss what to do. Of course I was very very sad and could not control my emotions and cried. However, to prevent my parents from knowing my condition, I requested my wife, children, brother and sisters not to discuss my condition while at my patent's home. Discussion about my condition with my brother and sisters took place outside of the house.

The First 60 days
The first thing I did was to get second opinion. Subsequently I consulted more doctors to see if I have other treatment options but they all leads to one conclusion, no cure; whatever treatment is just to lengthen my life span of a few months. I was only given 6 months to live.

I was really stressed out thinking what to do. I had booked a free and easy trip to Hangzhou, China a year ago and decided to proceed with the trip in mid September 2009, perhaps my last trip I thought.

I came back from the holiday and decided to quit my banking job to earn my life back. Google was my starting point as I searched for alternative medications. Meanwhile, I also told my close friends about my condition. It was by chance that I stumbled on the Gerson therapy while on the last few days at my office but I was not sure if it was for me because I only managed to get some basic documentation on healing cancer. Meanwhile, I met my brother and passed him the documentation. I also did something I thought I would never do. Never say never. I started urine therapy. I drank my first urine of the day!

I received a lot of suggestions and recommendations from friends. One group of friends sent me some information on potential therapies but I was not convinced. The second group sent me videos of God's miracles and the third group, my Buddhist friends recommended I hasten my meditation practice. I realised that the second and third group of friends wants me to prepare for my afterlife.

Two weeks passed and I still have not started any therapy. Time was running out. I have begun to start losing weight. During the third week, I managed to get hold of Dr Max Gerson's The Cancer Therapy book. After discussing it with my brother, I decided to follow the therapy. I took my parents (who still did not know of my condition) out for dinner and I had my last meaty meal. One of the dishes I ordered was clay pot crab rice. It really looked good but the taste was just average. The very next day, I turn vegetarian. I took normal vegetarian food. At the time, I still did not know where to buy organic stuffs. Prior to my cancer, I have never eaten in an organic shop or restaurant before.

Thus began my new diet adventure. Buying vegetables proved not to be much of a problem but buying a good juicer and getting the Gerson suplements was much more difficult. I began the forth week on a normal vegetarian diet but still have not started juicing yet. By now, I have lost about 3kg of my weight.

To be continued...


  1. This flashback blog today was most touching to me. I am glad you have chosen to recap your journey and I pray that you find more strength for the present and future. What you have shared is very sincere and honest.

    I know that this reflection of your journey will bring you much healing from within. Sometimes I think you have forgotten how strong and courageous you once were and will continue to be.

    Keep it up and I am sure many will look forward to your update tomorrow.

    For all of the blog followers out there, I would like to suggest that each one leave a little comment each day after your visit for CT - to encourage him. This I am sure will help alleviate the loneliness.

  2. CT,

    For the courageous love that you continue to share, especially in your journal today, wishing you a very happy Valentine's Day.

    I can feel through your sharing that you are a very good and obedient son, a faithful spouse, a caring father and most of all, a generous friend.

    Keep sharing your journey and I am certain that you will rekindle the fire that has sustained you so far.

    That's right, share with us your thoughts of your journey.

    God's blessings to you this Valentine's.

  3. Can you share with us if you had the opportunity to start all over, would you have lived differently? Loved a bit more? Not rat race so much? etc What went through your mind during your holiday in China? What was going through your mind as you flew high up in the clouds, touching the heavens? How did your mum take it when you broke her the news?

  4. CT,

    Would like to know how your loving spouse took the news. Her support and companionship must have been the most crucial to carry you through this? She must be a very strong you.


  5. Bro Chang,

    Welcome back, mate! Loved your sharing today.

  6. Isn't it too early for Valentine's wishes?

    Anyway, I guess for CT, each day is a Valentine to express his love for all.

    May cupid strike a loving arrow to your butt, CT, on top of the many shots you administer to yourself!

  7. You wrote of not being able to control your emotions and crying and that you felt the need to protect your parents from the terrible news. I think I also try to shield my loved ones... from my fears, from scary news about my health, from having to see me sick or from having to take care of me. I've been learning another way over this past year through my journey. I finally know the meaning of the expression "no man is an island".

    I needed to learn to accept help and love from others. This was very difficult at first because I see myself as the strong capable one who is always helping everyone else. For me, becoming vulnerable has brought me closer to the people I love and deepened our relationships now that it's more even. I need them just as much as they need me. I am reminded of the Simon and Garfunkle song "I Am a Rock"...

    A winter's day
    In a deep and dark December;
    I am alone,
    Gazing from my window to the streets below
    On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
    I am a rock,
    I am an island.

    I've built walls,
    A fortress deep and mighty,
    That none may penetrate.
    I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
    It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
    I am a rock,
    I am an island.

    Don't talk of love,
    Well, I've heard the word before.
    It's sleeping in my memory.
    I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
    If I never loved I never would have cried.
    I am a rock,
    I am an island.

    I have my books
    And my poetry to protect me;
    I am shielded in my armor,
    Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
    I touch no one and no one touches me.
    I am a rock,
    I am an island.

    And a rock feels no pain;
    And an island never cries.

    CT, I will offer this advise to you, although I usually refrain from offering unsolicited advise... Don't try to be an island. Let others in. Lighten your burden. Cry. It's cathartic. Crying lets the sad out, making more room for more pleasant feelings.

    1. Hi, I just stumbled across your blog when I did some research on kidney cancer. My nephew just had a nephrectomy yesterday for a malignant cyst in his kidney. Doctor said it was stage 1. I see that you mentioned some alternative treatment in your blog. Would you mind sharing the details? Thanks so much writing this blog. It gives a lot of hope for people who have family with kidney cancer. God Bless...