Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Abandoning Me?

This morning I woke at about 4am, again by the back pain. I also realised that my mouth was so dry (it happened many times before) and felt a bit bitter. I think this could be a result of my breathing problems and I was breathing through my mouth. I tried to sleep back. I was tossing and turning looking for a better position to sleep and before I knew it, the alarm rang and it was time to get up.

My morning routine usually consist of boiling coffee and also making camomile tea for the day's enemas. This is then followed by breakfast and just when I was eating my oats, I experienced a throbbing pain around my right rib cage area. I also have been coughing more, especially at night.

On my 4th February post, an anonymous reader commented It tells me that you don't see a point in going through this therapy unless you are sure you are able to recover and you want to live only on your own fixed terms. It is energy consuming and taxing financially. As a result oriented person, you are losing motivation because you don't see the results you want. And gradually losing hope and this adds to your tiredness every day.

I have been thinking and I think I am indeed losing motivation. 17 months on the therapy and I am still at where I started. In my calendar, 17 month is a very long time because every day is a battle, fighting for my life. I am not as disciplined as I was a year ago. I not only take things much easier now, I am also less efficient. I know it and yet I find it so hard to get myself out of this situation.

My initial motivation for survival is termed as hardiness which determines
how we respond to the pressures of life, which includes coping with sickness by psychologists. Known as the 3 C's of hardiness, they are challenge, control, and commitment. I do not know if I am losing hope, but I know I am slowly losing all the Cs. In a protracted fight over the last 17 months, I am losing resistance. Perhaps being a General and a soldier is too much for me to handle.

I do not know how to look at my own progress using other methods other than by looking at the results. My body acts as daily progress indicator. At the same time, I am affected by events that I cannot control, pain in my body. I still have not learned how to deal with pain effectively. It consumes me in the beginning and I would lose control of my emotions. Then a battle ensues and slowly I get control back but not without mental bruises.

The response that I know is to bring in more soldiers. I am starting with the low dose naltrexone that I got from Liz yesterday. I prepared 10ml of water solution with one crushed pill and then stored the solution for use over the next 10 days. My first does was supposed to be last night but the General was caught sleeping. I forgot to take my fist dose last night just before I slept. I only remembered this morning and I was really disappointed with myself. All the initial enthusiasm just evaporated. This is really a bad start and a sure way of losing a battle. Lose more battles and you lose the war! Well, I still have today but this time, I will depend on my trusty friend for help, my handphone alarm.


  1. CT,

    Following your blog these days is difficult because its filled with a sense of despair, hopelessness, emotional instability and a general lost of the desire to live. You seem to be gradually losing will power and discipline ever since you got back from Mexico. Somewhere in between, everything that has sustained you have all come crumbling down. Daily it seems more of a drag, a burden for you to eat, sleep and live. You seem to be trying everything and anything these days without any consistency or belief that it will get you better. You have lost focus, your line of thought is easily swayed. As much as you want to believe that you will get better, the waiting seem to make you lose patience. There is also a denial deep within you that the cure you are looking for, hoping for is within your grasp; you don't need a miracle. Somehow, that control which so much define you is beginning to destroy you and taking you closer and closer to the grave (pardon my lingo).

    Well, if you plan to give up soon, might as well get use to the language of death. Dying is the easy part cos' you think you can rest once and for all. What happens after that, no one can guarantee. But, your loved ones who are placing so much hope that you will recover will miss you, praying for a miracle will be sadden if you had to depart not because of cancer but because of lost of hope, discipline, feeling lousy, lazy, tired... In short, you are killing yourself more than the cancer. It will be a disappontment to your mum, your spouse, your children, your friends...

    There's so much more complaints from you these days rather than the positiveness that you use to be able to take notice of. There is no need to search for answers because the root of the issue is within you. Only you can change this and this can happen in a heartbeat. You have to make that choice and set yourself free.

    However, if you choose to end this life soon, then I am sure you know how. I would be sad to see you give up so easily. Stop picking out faults and issues daily. Live life with hope. Don't expect too much from yourself. If you have forgotten something, accept it and move on. Life cannot be compared to a performance appraisal. There is not formula or KPI. Instead, life is built daily and what you put in each second, minute of the day...you build memories for the future.

    If not for the past, you cannot live fully in the present and look forward to a brighter tomorrow.

    So, commit yourself and reenergize the passion to live life in full with cancer.

  2. Sharing with you a poem from one of my old book markers, the title within the first line:

    When tomorrow starts without me,
    And I am not there to see,
    If the sun should rise and find your eyes
    All filled with tears for me;

    I wish so much you wouldn't cry
    The way you did today,
    While thinking of the many things,
    We didn't get to say.

    I know how much you love me,
    As much as I love you,
    And each time that you think of me,
    I know you will miss me too;

    But when tomorrow starts without me,
    Please try to understand,
    That an angel came and called my name,
    And took me by the hand,

    And said my place was ready,
    In heaven far above,
    And that I'd have to leave behind
    All those I dearly love.

    But as I turned to walk away,
    A tear fell from my eye
    For all my life, I'd always thought,
    I didn't want to die.

    I had so much to live for,
    So much left yet to do,
    It almost seemed impossible
    That I was leaving you.

    I thought of all the yesterdays,
    The good ones and the bad,
    I thought of all the love we shared,
    And all the fun we had.

    If I could relive yesterday,
    Just even for a while,
    I'd say good-bye and kiss you
    And maybe see you smile.

    But then I fully realized,
    That this could never be,
    For emptiness and memories,
    Would take the place of me.

    And when I thought of worldly things,
    I might miss come tomorrow,
    I thought of you, and when I did,
    My heart was filled with sorrow.

    But when I walked through heaven's gates,
    I felt so much at home.
    When God looked down and smiled at me,
    From His great golden throne,

    He said, "This is eternity,
    And all I have promised you.
    Today your life on earth is past,
    But here life starts anew.

    I promise no tomorrow,
    But today will always last,
    And since each day's the same way
    There's no longing for the past.

    You have been so faithful,
    So trusting and so true.
    Though there were times you did some things.
    You knew you shouldn't do.

    But you have been forgiven
    And now at last you're free.
    So won't you come and take my hand
    And share my life with me?"

    So when tomorrow starts without me,
    Don't think we're far apart,
    For every time you think of me,
    I'm right here, in your heart.

  3. CT,

    What has been happening to you since Mexico? It seems that it has all been an anti-climax since. What was your motivation for going to Mexico? Pray tell us puzzled readers.

  4. CT,

    Abandoning yourself? YES, indeed you have been.
    Abandoning your inner needs and self. The self who was crying out for love and intimacy. The self who was looking for inner nourishment.Substituting inner needs with the pursuit of money, money and money. Running away was and is your modus operandi. Running away from your unhappiness and marital problems.
    Does avoidance really help to resolve outer conflicts? The outer conflicts are but a reflection of your inner conflicts and turmoil. How can you have external harmony when there is none within or are you just deceiving yourself?

    Do you think the root cause of cancer is only diet? Is that why your soldiers are 99% physical? And adding more of them will help, you think?

    Are you too impatient? Your usual fix it method does'nt work anymore? Is life about quick fixes or is it about experience?

    You have taken extraordinary steps to avoid the pain of abandonment, isolation and loneliness. And it is precisely these fears that have led you to where you are today, to experience them all. And you have experienced them, the pain of abandonment, isolation and loneliness. What pain have you not gone through?
    Cancer pain? Can you separate the mental and physical aspects of the pain? How much of it is FEAR of cancer pain and how much is the actual cancer itself?
    The last few months saw a man who finally took steps into unchartered territories to look at his own conflicts and needs. What has happened in between?
    You have lived your life in the pure;y physical plane. Don't go back there. You need alot more than that in this battle.