New Year Reflections

Last night, I was awaken by needle like pain on my left shoulder near to the existing lymph node. Although the pain was sharp and short, it left a tinkling painful after effect sensation. I could not sleep after that but I just continued to lie on the bed. I slowly drifted to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. This morning, I woke up to a bad backache. I am not sure what else can I do to sleep better.

A friend, after reading my recent posts, emailed me on Chinese New Year. She must be getting worried and this is what she said:

... Yes, it really is a tough and lonely fight for you are the only one who will know and understand why and what the fight is all about. In my 2 cents worth of opinion, you may have subconciously lost the reason and aim for the fight. Or maybe your original aim was to outlive the 6 months which you so successfully did.

Shall we do a review now ha ha just as if we are doing a job performance appraisal, we have achieved last year's target. What are we setting for the coming year? ...

I have been reflecting on what she said. While I am happy to be able to live another day, every day that I survive adds another layer of tiredness to my body. For the past 17 months, what I have managed to do is only to slow down the growth of the tumors. As much as I hate to admit it, my oncologist is right. I am dying slowly. Before I am accused of giving up, I am not. Even though I can try and continue with this therapy for another 2 years, unless I see more positive results, it would be like walking in circles. There is no end! Of course, that does not mean I just stop. I will continue to do what I can. I am also looking for adjunct therapies to combine. I will take more risks.

Physically, my energy levels are getting worst compared to a year ago. I am not able to do my regular qigong exercise as I do not have the energy even to hold my hands straight upwards for a few minutes. More recently, I was not able to lift even a carton of 1.5lt of bottled water. I feel tired everyday and spent most of my time lying in bed. Most times, I don't even want to wake up to prepare my juices.

Mentally, although I am able to maintain a positive attitude most of the time, but it comes at a cost. I find it very tiring. The pain, which can easily modify my mood comes and goes as it pleases. Crying can help to release some of the stress and sometimes I am not even aware as tears just flows down. A friend reminded me that I should spend more time meditating as it would certainly help. It does not have to be long, even for a brief 5 minutes if done effectively would have a good calming effect.

There is one other thing I will do after the New Year. My friend has suggested contacting Hospice as she has first hand experience with them when her mother passed away with cancer some years ago. I have downloaded the form. My consulting oncologist and urologist are both based in Singapore and it would be difficult for me to get medications when I need it. Hospice provided not only palliative care but also counseling as well. They will come to my house when the time comes. My friend said it is important to get this setup because when the time comes, everybody knows what to do. Forget about my ideals, I am a coward. I would like to move on painlessly.

My instincts tells me that this year will be a very difficult year for me. But all is not lost because I have not given up. Like Emily said I hope for the best, and prepare for the worst, but also be prepared for the best.