Sunday, February 6, 2011

Incoherent Rantings

Yesterday I was feeling a little bit yacky when I woke up. The pain on my back persisted and now I know the problem is not my bed. The back pain stayed with me the whole day. I also noticed that the ribs just below my right armpit all the way down to the abdomen is also painful. The abdomen pain has taken a new twist. It would also cause me some pain when sitting. Previously I would only experience pain while lying down in bed.

Liz and I have been in contact and I will be meeting her on Monday morning to collect the low dose naltrexone pills so that I could start my therapy as soon as possible. I also hope to start the Budwig therapy sometime next week after I understand enough on what to do.

I am now self motivating myself every evening after feeling low for a while. I hope to refocus and get back on track.

I think real living is to live a life without restrictions. That means no restrictions on your mind, heart and soul. However, that is easier said than done. If we were to look at yourself, what you will notice is that you are living the exact life of the adults you grew up around. Many of us grew up miserable and unhappy as they were. We live by certain rules that society made. People around us expect us to behave in certain ways and take certain expected decisions. Non conformity would possibly result in isolation. A friend once told me that when we are living our lives according to society, that means we are living our lives in accordance to the standards of other people. We feel unhappy and miserable.

Sure, when you begin to live a life without limits not only many doors become open to you, many opportunities that you may not have noticed shows up. However, it is really a daunting process because many if not all of us were never taught how to live our lives freely. This may look like an excuse not to change.

I have started to live life differently, not just because there may not be a tomorrow, but to cherish the very present moment, of people and of things around me. Setting up palliative care for myself is to give myself the chance to start living freely. I believe in having a palliative care in place after learning from some of my friends what difficulty they went through with their love ones. Palliative care is designed not only for the well being of the survivors (i.e. family and love ones) but for the patient as well.

Having palliative care does not mean I am going all alone and giving up. On the contrary, when I have it, I think I can now live with one less fear. If I continue to live, I just don't use it. There is an interesting news item from BBC. You can read Extreme world: Dying here .

I have personally experienced when I started to change my life (albeit in a small way) with the help of a friend, I begin to attract to things, people, situations and solutions, something that I never thought would happen. I do want to live freely and in order to do that I must free my mind of preconceived ideas first. Some people can change very fast, but for me, it's like turning a big ship, painfully slow. As I have taken the first step of change, I believe I would be able to complete the journey soon.

The most tragic thing of life is not death, it is to live without living. - Unknown


  1. Dear CT,

    I enjoy reading your posts; and my heart goes out to you! I certainly hope you can find the way to get better.
    Don't give up! And when you are feeling so bad, maybe it's "The Healing Crisis" mentioned in "Herings Law of Cure."

    Herings Law of Cure states, "All cure comes from within out, from the head down and in
    reverse order as the symptoms have appeared in the body." As we adopt right eating and
    living habits, our body reacts to these new behaviors. The state of health will retrace backward via the same path that led us to disease in the first place. "Everything that made us sick when going into the body, will make us sick when it comes out."

    Back in 2001 I was sick (did not know what was wrong with me), I no longer had the energy to get out of bed, my legs ached, were weak, and felt so heavy that I could not pick them up...I could not walk. I lost my job, because I could no longer go to work. After approx. 3 months of this, a friend came by and gave me a bottle of Noni jc. to try. I did not want too try it, but I knew she would be back to see if I drank it. It was some of the nastiest tasting stuff I ever drank. After a week or so taking the Noni jc., I started feeling better and getting my energy back...soon, I was able to walk on my legs again. I continued taking Noni jc for about 2yrs.; and then I felt I was doing well enough to stop. I am not endorsing or trying to sell Noni...I just thought it might help to get your energy back; as it did me. I could not afford the Noni sold locally, so I ordered mine online at:

    Wishing You Well,

  2. Dear Mona,

    I thank your for your comments and encouragement. I will look into the Noni juice that you mentioned. Seems good.

    Well, the only thing I have left is hope.