Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Tomorrow is Chinese New Year and as with Chinese tradition, my family members will have a reunion dinner at my mother's place. As with last year, most of the food were catered except for a few dishes that my mother cooked herself. Like last year, I also did not partake in any of the food, instead I took my vegetables noodle soup.

This year's reunion dinner was not too a happy one, all because of me. I had a quarrel with my wife and mother over some placements of some stupid vegetables. I think my mood was kind of bad and when I found out that I have lost control of even where to put some the vegetables, I just could not take it. If any, it's was my stupidity.

I believe this has to do with my preception that I have lost independence. I have always valued my own autonomy to move about at ease highly and if this is really lost, I think I would also lose this cancer fight for I think I have lost my only hope. All the fears that I talk about in the last two posts would surely engulfed me. Therein lies my deepest fears, something which I have identified and not managed to resolve many of them yet. This may seems strange to you but I feel trapped inside, trying very hard to free myself of such fears.

I think I am also losing a bit of myself everyday. The discipline has been slacking, my routine has not been on time and I am finding excuses for this and that. I am becoming lazy! You don't survive cancer by being lazy.


  1. CT, I sense from last 2 posts that your spirit is down. Sorry that we can't help much. For outsiders, it is easy to advise but we can't feel how you felt. it is easily said than doing it.


  2. CT,

    Its ok to be down, to be vulnerable. Whether one has cancer or not, we are all humans the same, our human condition is weak. Sometimes we disappoint our loved ones, we take them for granted. Like you, I sometimes take my family for granted amidst the hussle and buzzle of the city, career, friends, other distractions...its usually our closest and loved ones that we compromise more often than not. Probably we know that they will understand.

    Its good that you are able to recognise immediately that you have hurt them. That itself is a gift. It tells you that your heart is aware. Don't be too hard on yourself, its ok to trip and take a wrong step or two. I am sure you know that your actions have hurt yourself more than them.

    The important thing is to pick yourself up and have the courage to ask for forgiveness and move on. Be humble and not let pride take the better of you; no use analysing who's right or wrong.

    If you are at fault, admit it. Never hide behind the cancer and use that as an excuse to behave the way you do; its not your right. I may not understand the sickness like you do but that in itself is a separate battle altogether.

    You need your family in solidarity with you to battle this; win or lose is another matter altogether. Use this Lunar New Year of the Rabbit to emulate the humility and simplicity of the rabbit. Just hop on over and let them know how much you have hurt them, how much you fear missing them and most of all, how much you need them.

    Now one of the things you must cast out first of all is fear. Fear narrows the little entrance to your heart. Fear puts all sorts of funny thoughts into your mind - fear tend to mess life up. It shrinks up your capacity to love. It freezes up your power to give yourself to your loved ones.

    The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer. Because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.

    This New Year, make it a point to be open with your family. Be vulnerable and let them carry you through this. You cannot battle this alone, you need your loved ones to give you strength and lend you a shoulder to cry on.

    Do not be afraid of emptiness. It is very hard to allow emptiness to exist in our lives. Emptiness requires a willingness not to be in control, a willingness to let something new and unexpected happen. It requires trust, surrender, and openness to guidance...your loved ones.

    I am not sure whether what I have shared will help ease you. What I know is whatever that has happened, has happened...take the opportunity to right what is wrong going forward and restore the peace and ve within your family, with your spouse, your mum...they love you I am sure. Be humble and take the first step to reconcile.

    They will help you through this and you cannot walk through this alone...neither will you give up...because they too love you very much.

    Take care.,,and don't be too hard on yourself. We are humans, we are weaklings. So long as we still breathe, we can make things better.

  3. CT, it sounds like you and your family have been under tremendous stress for the past year and a half. I am sorry things have been so difficult for you lately. I hope you will forgive and trust yourself.

    Regarding combining therapies, I have been doing it (Gerson, Budwig, Iscador, high dose Vitamin C, DMSO). I don't know what the results are yet, but I am feeling better and better so I think I am on the right path. I know that you wouldn't do anything without fully researching it, but sometimes you need to make a leap of faith. You have stayed commited to strict Gerson for a very long time, and if you were seeing the results you want I know you would be able to do it for another year or two. Maybe another therapy for you can work synergistically with Gerson.

    I am thinking of you and sending healing thoughts your way.