Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Time Has Arrived

Yesterday was Mid-Autumn Festival, celebrated by the Chinese worldwide. Lanterns will be lit and mooncakes will be served. In addition there will also be a feast. My brother came over to my mother's place for dinner and soon we entered into the subject of kidney operation and we were discussing the various options and risk involved in the operation. I had to leave half-way during dinner as I need to go back home to do my night enema. My 2nd daughter (15 years old) joined me as she was not feeling well and wanted to go home to sleep. On the way back, my daughter asked if I was afraid of the operation. I told her I was not scared but dammed scared. This was the first time she brought up the subject. I looked straight as I drove, helding back my tears and explained to her what my options are. While my body seems to be responding to the herbs, the reality check is that the scan shows the tumor is growing. My oncologist says he can now feel the tumor mass on my abdomen and nowdays I don't sleep on my right side anymore because I can feel the tumor mass pressing against the body and makes me unconformtable and a little painful. If the tumor continues to grow inside, it could burst or make me bleed everyday and cause pain, all of which will be detrimental to my health.

As my 4th urologist puts it, if I do take this route, it would mean I am taking the aggressive approach. It would accelerate my death but not necessarily help me to live longer because there is still the metastasis lung cancer. Perhaps this is why I have been postponing my visit to the urologists and in yesterday's blog I had said I would meet them end of the month or early next month not being mindful that next week is already the end of the month. The time has come for me to face it. It would appear that I have not much choice in this matter. The choice that I have is whether I have to do a full surgery or hand assisted laparoscopic surgery, the latter being my choice as it is less risky/faster recovery. There are three outcomes from what the urologists said. The first outcome would be I don't survive the full surgery (2nd urologist). The second outcome is I survive the operation but still die within six months of surgery (4th urologist). The third outcome is that I survive much longer. This is my hope of course.

I have explained to my three daughters (14, 15 and 19 years old) about my sicknesses. They still see me alive and kicking and although they know I can go anytime, they really do not know the consequences until my physical departure. I have been explaining to them every now and then in the hope that if the day do come, it would be easier for them to take it. Of course I feel very sorry for my wife to be in this situation, having to take care of three growing girls without their father by their side.

I hope to meet the 5th urologist early next week and the 3rd urologist in Singapore at the end of next week. Call me superstitious or what, I will not engage the 2nd and 4th urologists. They have had bad experiences. I want to work with full confidence urologists because I need more than luck. If all set, then I hope to have the operation on the last week of November 2010. Even if the operation is a success, I still have a long way to go. I still got the metastastic nodules in the lungs to deal with. So far results on the lungs have been positive and it is on this note that I am taking this approach.

I was a bit emotional late last night. I broke down finally. Tears began rolling on my cheeks as I wrote this post. I wanted to capture my emotions and thoughts there and then as it happens and did not want to do it the next day because I know I would have written it differently. What words of comforts can a griefing father give to his daughters that he may not be there to attend their graduation, may not be there to give them away in marriage and may not be there to celebrate the birth of their child? As I turn my thoughts to my wife (she was fast asleep), more tears rolled. It's been a long time since I cried myself to sleep.


  1. Chang

    Irregardless if we are in the state you are in now, all these questions dont have the answers right now. We can only live every moment of our life the best we can, give the best we can to our loved ones and those God have brought along our path of life, pray for the best and hope for the best.
    So you are not alone....every parents feels the same way and worries....

    You are always on my mind....reading your blog keeps us going on with life with our own set of problems.

    The important thing is to try to live life the best we can knowing that alot of people who crosses your path have you in mind, is grateful to you for sharing so much with us amidst your difficulty. We are grateful to have you Chang.

    Ai Wee

  2. Dear Ai Wee,

    You have been very kind taking time to travel all the way from KL to Subang Jaya to provide morale support. Though we only know each other for such a shortime while working at the bank but somehow we felt like having known each other for such a long time.

    Perhaps it could be an association that we had in our past lives but whateverr it is, I am really grateful to have known you.

    Life is but a journey, each day is awaiting to be discovered. This cancer has taught me to live in the present, what matters most! Whatever the outcome, all is not lost because I have finally found myself now.