Monday, August 29, 2011

When All Else Fails, Hope.

The last couple of months, I have been plagued with specific problems. In May I had the insomnia and restless legs problems that gave me a lot of pain and sleeping problems. That subsided about two months later and even my restless legs problems are now gone. Maybe the plant based iron supplements and the new herbal and vibrational medicine that I took helped. The pain on my right thigh and pelvic area has been giving me problems for quite sometime now but only recently, the situation seems to have deteriorated. At times after a massage, the pain lessened. Now, my left leg also seems affected. For the last one month, I have been walking like a penguin. I believe my left leg is due to some nerve problems and I think acupuncture would help. I am due for treatment today. As for my right thigh and pelvis area, I will know after an x-ray scan. Hopefully, it is also a nerve problem.

Generally, I am in good health. Occasionally my chest seems to be congested. My breathing is sometimes heavy and heartbeat also irregular at times. Occasionally pain on my shoulder blade areas are noticeable, especially after I wake up for sleep. Pain on my shoulder areas also appears at times but I think that has to do more with whether I had sufficient sleep or not. Normally, I if sleep well there is no pain. I have been coughing a little more that last few days especially towards the night. I am able to sleep much better if not disturbed by the pain from my legs.

If you asked me, how I feel now compared to one year ago? I now weigh heavier by about 4kg more that same period last year. However, my energy levels are lower compared to one year ago. The most obvious difference is that last year I can run but now, I have legs problems and even walking straight seems a challenge. The other subtle difference is that my chest area seems clear last year but now, I feel my chest compressed, breathing is a little more irregular. I think in this cancer survival journey, it's like a tug of war, each side pulling at the other end, both sides do not want to give up. However, the odds are always against the patient for it takes a lot of energy just to maintain a no win no lose situation.

Some people asked me what is the most dreaded thing about having cancer? I think it's the mental suffering and physical pain. Death is just one result of the journey or outcome. I have never experienced 24 hours of continuous pain until I had cancer. I have also never experienced so much in fighting in the mind during every waking hour of the day. I have also never cried so much in my life. Yet in all my despair, I live the best I can. I did not allow the cancer to define how I live. I have co-existed with my cancer for two years now. The cancer has behaved quite well actually, giving me less problems than some of my noisy neighbors. It has not prevented me to do anything I want to do. I may walk more slowly now, so what?

English Premier League (EPL)
Yesterday, I watched the EPL game between Manchester United (MU) and Arsenal. By half time, the score line was already MU 3 Arsenal 1. There could have been more goals in the first half. I am not a fan of MU and neither Arsenal. I just want to see what's left of Arsenal after the key players left the club.

This is the first EPL game that I watched in 2 years! I did not subscribe to the sports channel and so I watched it at my friend's house. By halftime, I told my friend, Arsenal is going to get demolished by MU. I was also tired and bid good night to my friend and drove home to sleep. This morning, I saw the score MU 8 Arsenal 2! Sir Alex, you got to talk to your boys.

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