Monday, October 4, 2010

In The Morning

This is the first time I am posting my blog this early in the morning. I am awake and I just could not get myself sleep and was tossing and turning in bed. My mind is troubled and could not calm down. So I decided to pen down my thoughts. I will have to find and make time to catch back some sleep later in the day or else it would be a very tiring day for me.

I noticed of late I have not been able to sleep very well and this is a bad sign and could indicate that the diease is advancing. Under conventional literature, the next stage of advancement can either be the bones or the brain. Already my T6 area is infected with a tumor. Invading the bones would mean I would experience excruciating pain while the brain would mean seizures besides the pain. Either case, I would lose my mobility. So it is crucial I look at my current situation what best could be done. Yes, I am a little desperate and is more agressive in my approach. I am not sure if this is correct way to go forward, but I know I must do something.

Since I started this therapy, I have never gone under 66kgs. I have lost 14kgs in total. I had a good look at myself in the mirror yesterday morning and I looked really skinny more than ever before. My collar bones were protuding and my ribs were barely covered by a layer of skin. It is so easy to lose weight and despite my attempts to eat more, I am not able to get the upper hand.

I will do a short post today and attemp to sleep after posting this post. Goodnight everybody.


  1. Bro. Chang, Though I know it's very tough to be calm in your situation, pls remember that whatever good merit you have accumulated will not be in vain. This will determine your good rebirth in your future life and that should be a comforting thought for you to ponder. Hope you try to meditate and list down in a notebook all the meritorious deeds that you have done (irrespective of importance)and go through them daily and reflect deeply in your mind. This will provide an inprint in your mind so that good thought will automatically arise when the moment come. This advice was given by our late Chief Rev. Dhammananda to ensure good rebirth. Meditation & chanting is very effective in calming your mind.

  2. Hi Bro Lim,

    It's good to hear from you again. So fast talking about rebirth? While I don't know how long more I have on earth, I have and will continue to utilise each day to the fullest.

    Noting the good deeds is one of the things I did not follow in Liao Fan's Four Lessons. Yes when I have the ability to meditate during my pre-cancer days, I was busy with this or that and now, I have much more time but I cannot sit for long periods, even with cushion. Then again, there is never a good time to restart than now. I can always do standing and walking meditation.

  3. Hi Bro. Chang, Do not get me wrong. I mentioned earlier that I'm happy about your determination & will to tackle the sickness. However, what I advised you is for everyone, irrespective of health. I myself also practise the listing down of the meritorious deeds which I have done (no matter how trivial it may appears)so that we are prepared as life is uncertain. Pray for your quick recovery.

  4. Dear Bro Lim, I was just teasing you. I know you meant well and I am very happy you commented and do continue to share your wisdom with me.

    Thank you for your prayers.