Brave Or Plain Stupid?

All of life is a journey; which paths we take, what we look back on, and what we look forward to is up to us. We determine our destination, what kind of road we will take to get there, and how happy we are when we get there.
From A Little Book of Happiness

I had wanted to do this post for sometime now and I think the time is ripe for me to answer a few qestions that is been troubling my mind since I started this cancer therapy. The surgery date is getting closer and I need to confirm if I want to proceed with the surgery or not. The fact that I am postponing the decision tells you that I am totally lost perhaps blinded by fear. Confidence has deserted me.

In the beginning, it was more straight forward because I wanted to try alternative therapy and it became obvious what my choice is. Basically to leave every tumor inside my body and allow the natural healing to take place using the therapies that I have choosen.

Now, one year later I am still being confronted by the same question. This time round, the latest scans in August 2010 showed that the tumors is progressing as confirmed by my oncologists. My options are still the same as that one year ago only that a new treatment, interferon has been added to my palate of choices. All these choices leads to death. I will die surely but only a question of when. Going by the survival median, from the oncological point of view, it look more like 10 months.

My dabble at alternative medicine has so far gave me a little hope but even that, judged from the current prespective is fading. What seems to be working or at least holding back the tumor's advancement is no longer working so well. I'm faced with a renew threat. My weight seems to be declining. This is always on the background and suddendly it seems to be working fulltime in the foreground as if tumor put special focus to it. I still cannot fathom what's going on inside me, the feel good factor on the outside is there and yet inside I live day to day with the fear of the disease, of suffering and of dying. As I grapple with the new development, the brave face that I am fronting is slowly but surely crumpling. What is positively positive is slowly becoming less positive as each day progresses.

Faced with this situation, I am under tremendous stress to do something or is there anything I can do or not do? The decision that I make will either make me look brave or plain stupid but that is only for my ego, something I thought I got rid off long ago but now staring point blank at my face. Either way, I may be gambling with my life as stake with gambling odds heavily againt me. If I come out unscratched, I just won the hand but on the other hand, I lose the game. Seems so strange with such betting odds but this is the strange game of cancer that I am in. I can chose to decline the game. Let me tell you the rules.

The Rules
From oncological standpoint, the following have been established:
a. There is no cure.
b. Any treatment is only for extension of life of about 10 months.
c. There is no advantage on extension of life by removing the tumor kidney although two recent large studies showed that there may be a slight gain of between 3 months and 12 months.
d. There is a possibility of spontenous remission after surgery but more for small tumors and even that is rare.

From alternative medicine point of view the following has been observed:
a. There is a possible cure.
b. If cure is not possible, extension of life can be expected but there is no stratistics of how long the extension is. At the time of this post, 13 months is my current record.

Hybrid Approach
Going full conventional is like condeming myself to death while going alternative is slowly condeming myself to death too, at least that how's the latest scan points to and also if the current developments of my body continues this way.

My survival instinct kicks in and therein lies a glimmer of hope, at least a chance to improve my present situation but like all decisions, there are great risks involved. More often than not, the payout seems rather pittance for such major risks. This is because the current situation is favouring the banker. I must be one desperate gambler or nicely put, an optimist.

The hybrid approach utilises part of the conventional approach and part of the alternative approach. Basically, to go for surgery and follow the alternative therapies. Individually each of these approaches has some benefits but when it is combined, the hypothesis is can I get more synergy out of the two when combined? Other outcomes are not surving the surgery or if survive the surgery succumb to the diease that continues to ravage the body when the body is in the process of healing from surgery, statistically usually within a 6 months period. Stll it does not promises a cure only what ifs, self-conceited deceits?

Basic Approach
Yesterday, a friend SMS me and asked me if I considered going to the Gerson Clinic? Well this was considered in November 2009 but I think at this moment, a revisit of this approach would not harm. When all seems lost, we go back to the basics. The Gerson Therapy had worked for me in the beginning and now with the help of professionals, it may give me the bite that I was looking for. It would also appear that the payout from this approach is not worst off than the hybrid approach, at least it had worked for me for a while while the hybrid approach is totally experimental with preceived better outcome, a mere hypothesis.

Where Is All These Leading To?
Some of my friends says I am slowly surrending mentally and emotionally as the disease take its toll on me. But the plan is not mine to dictate. I am both tired mentally and physically dragged by the wave of emotions. There are so many blanks. This is a pathetic situation for me to be in and I wish it would be a better scenario. But it was not to be.

I would want to live on, there is so much to live for but the reality is that I am hanging on by desperation. I am only responding in the way I know how perhaps I know deep inside me this may be my last hope of my own salvation. Or could it be in my haste I have condenmed myself?

I am unable to think further, I have no answers, I am totally lost! But the clock is ticking. Now that I have finished, seems a good time for emotional release.