Friday, October 15, 2010

Body Report

Optimism means expecting the best, but confidence means knowing how to handle the worst. Never make a move if you are merely optimistic.
The Zurich Axioms

As cancer patient's confidence is razor thin, it is obvious they are not very good in handling the worst of situations. Having friends and family members to support are then crucial because I need to draw strength from them when such situation arises.

It's been a while since I reported about my body condition. Lets see.

Lymph Node
The lymph node on me left collar bone are is still there. The marble size of the node is about the same and is not giving me any pain. However, the neck area has never been the same, now I do feel pain on both my left and right shoulders, just like in my pre cancer days. I do self massage my applying pressure at strategic areas to relief pain. I am afraid of going to a massuer because the after pain of a massage is even worst. I also noticed on my left neck just above the lymph node is getting a litter larger, not sure if this has anything to do with the thyroid.

My Weight
Weight wise, I am now 66.7kgs and I have been hovering around this range for a while already. Pincing my buttocks is one of the easiest test to tell myself if I am losing muscles. Apparently I found out many cancer patients actually do this test too. Because we sit on our buttocks, naturally any pain that arises from it would give a good indication of the amount of flesh and muscles left. Yes, I can feel the bones, no wonder I am getting more pain when sitting. I can't even wear my old size 34 jeans without a belt. The trousers would just slipped down!

I used to have a full butt and did I tell you I was molested once on my butt while working in Saudi Arabia? I didn't want to know who did it, my thoughts were just to run to a safe place. Later I learned one of our male colleagues was brutally gang raped, some years back. I am also one of those few people who like to take 30mins long walks back from office to the apartment after work, especially during winter time, the cold air brushing against my face. It allows me to relax and destress.

Chest Area
The chest area is behaving well but the last few days, I am experiencing irregular heartbeat. Coughing is also irregular and there are no traces of blood clots in the phelgm. Coughing is also not painful.

Back Area
Well, since the discovery of a tumor of size 3cm at the T6 area in March 2010, my back has never been the same. It's pain brother. It normally occurs on both sides just below the shoulder blade area. This pain is not consistent, some days it would be pain free while at other days, you feel the pain of ants biting.

Now, just underneath my arm pits, I can also feel some pain. I am not sure if it relates to my sleeping position. I do not sleep on my right side anymore due to the tumor mass. I can feel a lump and it makes me uncomfotable, so I have been sleeping on my left side or facing up which is not my favourate sleeping position. But I have little choice.

Abdominal Area
The right side is where my tumor lives. It behaves well most of the time but every now and then (3 eposides todate), I would get to urinate blood, like cherry water. Occasionally I get this thumping dull pain. I have no problem with that.

Thighs and Legs
I used to have the footballer kind of thighs, full and musculer. Now, it reflects more of a guy who's dieting program has gone wrong. I do self message to ease the pain.

Energy Levels
My physical energy levels is still low when compared to June 2010. Doing squatting exercises in qi gong is a littel more difficult now.

My for hei which is Cantonese, literally translated means heat energy or internal energy is still very strong. You can sense the firey inside me when I am talking about topics that are passionate to me. This is good and it means my survival outlook is still very strong.

My Mind
Sometimes I think I am a prisoner of my own emotions. I think it operates on two levels, the virtual and the physical level.

I have been receiving nothing but bad news about my cancer cures since the day I learned about my cancer and after a while, I learn to deal with it. I virtualise the news/information. Now, no matter what type of bad reports you throw at me, it does not hurt anymore.

But on the physical level, the mind operates differently as I found out. For example, when I read reports that loss of body weight and cachexia is a sign that cancer is advancing and I would not have problems dealing with it. But when that event is now manifested physically and as I observe my body losing weight, my emotions have a better of me. This is because the event is real, you not only feel it but is a part of it. You need another set of skills to deal with it on a physical level. I have certainly not been doing good at this area but I am learning, including getting professional help.

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