Present And Abandoned Dreams

My coughing is making a comeback since Saturday. Although there is not much pain, I do feel some congestion and slight breathing problems especially after some walks. It gets worst at nights. Later I spoke to Khadijah senior qigong instructor and she told me that most patients with lung tumors are unable to do block breathing. Last Saturday, I may have tried to breath too deeply and unknowingly hurt my lungs. She said her Master taught her that it is best to achieve optimum rather than maximum because then one is pushing oneself to the extreme when one is not capable. Anyway, she has suggested that I meet the Master this coming Saturday which I am going to so that he can check my condition and hear his recommendations.

Last night, I could not sleep. I was still staring at the computer screen at 4am wondering when my mind would settle down. I am now very tired. I was also feeling very sad, broke down and cried. I rested my aching body against the bed, no amount of the softness of the mattresses would calm my pain. I put some background music on, close my eyes and waited...

While driving home from Shafiq's house yesterday, Yeong said it would be nice to know what is on Shafiq's mind now. I told him that would be interesting because in my case, during those sleepless nights and depressing days, my mind went wild. Almost all negative thoughts has linkage with death. I think unconsciously, the mind is preparing for death. I normally don't tell or discuss these but I have on some occasions gave you a glimpse what my mind went through.

About three weeks ago, I dreamt that my tumors has spread to my liver and my condition worsen considerably. The dream was so real that I immediately woke up. I also kept this to myself. I think people are generally not comfortable to enter into conversation of such nature. Furthermore, this dream have negative connotations. Where do you go to sooth the torchered mind?

Another topic that we talk about was about future plans. I have already given up all my material dreams like owning a certain type of car, continuing my PhD study and others. They all mean nothing to me now. I don't look beyond three months because there's not a future for me to look at. Of course, I want to live much longer but then I also try to live at the present moment as best as possible. Occasionally, my heart tells me to do something, like take a trip to Tibet in 2012. I can't tell if this is a hint from the subconscious that something bad is going to happen to me in that year. I just take it as an opportunity to travel when the opportunity presents itself. I would not wait and travel in the future for that day may never come. I would love to go there but my lungs may not be able to take the thin air and I could get into serious problems.

Then Yeong suggested that I take a mountain climbing trip to Mount Kinabalu, Sabah. Mount Kinabalu at 4,095m (13,435ft) is a good test for me. If I am able to climb to the summit, then I should be able to go to Tibet. The good thing about this climb is that if along the way, my lungs cannot take it, I can always turn back without causing too much problem. So we agreed, we will form a small group of people who is interesting in going and see what comes of it when the time nears. The tentative plan are to climb Mount Kinabalu in April/May 2012 and then to Tibet in August/September 2012. But that's more than 3 months away! There's no harm in me dreaming a little further.