Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Present And Abandoned Dreams

My coughing is making a comeback since Saturday. Although there is not much pain, I do feel some congestion and slight breathing problems especially after some walks. It gets worst at nights. Later I spoke to Khadijah senior qigong instructor and she told me that most patients with lung tumors are unable to do block breathing. Last Saturday, I may have tried to breath too deeply and unknowingly hurt my lungs. She said her Master taught her that it is best to achieve optimum rather than maximum because then one is pushing oneself to the extreme when one is not capable. Anyway, she has suggested that I meet the Master this coming Saturday which I am going to so that he can check my condition and hear his recommendations.

Last night, I could not sleep. I was still staring at the computer screen at 4am wondering when my mind would settle down. I am now very tired. I was also feeling very sad, broke down and cried. I rested my aching body against the bed, no amount of the softness of the mattresses would calm my pain. I put some background music on, close my eyes and waited...

While driving home from Shafiq's house yesterday, Yeong said it would be nice to know what is on Shafiq's mind now. I told him that would be interesting because in my case, during those sleepless nights and depressing days, my mind went wild. Almost all negative thoughts has linkage with death. I think unconsciously, the mind is preparing for death. I normally don't tell or discuss these but I have on some occasions gave you a glimpse what my mind went through.

About three weeks ago, I dreamt that my tumors has spread to my liver and my condition worsen considerably. The dream was so real that I immediately woke up. I also kept this to myself. I think people are generally not comfortable to enter into conversation of such nature. Furthermore, this dream have negative connotations. Where do you go to sooth the torchered mind?

Another topic that we talk about was about future plans. I have already given up all my material dreams like owning a certain type of car, continuing my PhD study and others. They all mean nothing to me now. I don't look beyond three months because there's not a future for me to look at. Of course, I want to live much longer but then I also try to live at the present moment as best as possible. Occasionally, my heart tells me to do something, like take a trip to Tibet in 2012. I can't tell if this is a hint from the subconscious that something bad is going to happen to me in that year. I just take it as an opportunity to travel when the opportunity presents itself. I would not wait and travel in the future for that day may never come. I would love to go there but my lungs may not be able to take the thin air and I could get into serious problems.

Then Yeong suggested that I take a mountain climbing trip to Mount Kinabalu, Sabah. Mount Kinabalu at 4,095m (13,435ft) is a good test for me. If I am able to climb to the summit, then I should be able to go to Tibet. The good thing about this climb is that if along the way, my lungs cannot take it, I can always turn back without causing too much problem. So we agreed, we will form a small group of people who is interesting in going and see what comes of it when the time nears. The tentative plan are to climb Mount Kinabalu in April/May 2012 and then to Tibet in August/September 2012. But that's more than 3 months away! There's no harm in me dreaming a little further.


  1. CT,

    Just my personal opinion...all this while, you have been seeking a external "solutions" or "activities" to the challenges you face.

    Regardless of religion and beliefs, we are all sustained by the one source of life.

    When our time is up, its up. You have been an inspiration to many and this goodness cannot come about if there is no God out there.

    Have you ever wondered that all these restlessness from within is coming about because God is calling you...loving you...forgiving you...waiting for you patiently with open arms...to satisfy this internal pangs of hunger...to calm the sea of restlessness?

    Without any prejudice to anyone, thats all I have to say.

    Wish you healing, both within and without.

  2. I do not wish to offend any Christians out there but I would like you to know that many years back, I attended Church services for a few years. To cut the story short, I did not become a Christian.

    I hope you understand that my choice was consciously made and I thank you for your concern. I would like you to know, spiritually I am very happy with what I found.

  3. hi CT,
    you do not have to go to church and be a Christian to know the promise that God is offering you, you dont have to be religious to find hope... Grace abounds and Grace is offered to anyone- whether Christian or not.. you do not have to be pushed or coaxed to sound, talk or pray like a Christian... you just have to be you..

    Looking through my journal, I found these verses on hope and courage.

    Isaiah 40:31 -- ...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

    II Timothy 1:7 -- God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

    Jeremiah 29:11 -- "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

    Psalm 130:5 -- I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His Word I put my hope.

    Romans 5:5 -- And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.

    Psalm 23:4 -- Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and staff, they comfort me.


  4. Dear CT,
    I sincerely hope that these words comfort you and give you courage and hope as it did mine. I hope it does not add extra stress on you or offend any of your readers. I am making myself vulnerable as it is.. but my heart is sincere in giving you these message of love and hope, a promise that you can hold on to wherever you go. I have stopped going to church myself but I have never stopped believing..


  5. Dear Lanie,

    I think you miss my point and I know you meant well. I have made my choice knowingly.

  6. CT,

    As "knowing" as you deem yourself to be, one must never deny the existence of the One God that gives and sustains all life. This, I suppose is a reflection of our own human condition.

    I wish you well as you continue your journey...to find peace and quench this thirst of restlessness deep within your soul...

    I leave you with this...it is never ever too late to respond to the love of God...whoever you are, wherever you may be...we are part of the same human race.

    God Bless and Heal You.

  7. Dear CT,
    In that case, I will just leave it at that, but will keep you in prayers. Hope it does not affect our "virtual discussions" in anyway,,,


  8. Dear Lanie,

    Not at all. I know you all meant well.

  9. Hi CT,

    Stay focus on your battle with the first objective of doing Mount Kinabalu in April/May 2012 !

    Continue to dream this dream, till it becomes a reality !

    Best wishes,


  10. so many religious fruit cakes....god is made up by man to control the mass

  11. hi john,
    you can refer to me by name. If you would like to discuss this further you can email me at nanay@live.com.sg For the record, Id rather not be called religious but spiritual, fruit cake sounds good to me, but not when it goes with religious.. religious are those people who are bound by rituals and traditions.