Friday, April 6, 2012

Mother's Love

My coughing has deteriorated today. I was coughing profusely since lunch time and every now and then. Each time, I would cough out fresh blood. So I tried my best not to cough and also took some TCM pills to control the coughing. My brother and sisters came over and as usual, I adjourned for lunch with them and then catch up on the week's activities.

My meeting with my hypnotherapist was good. We had a good discussion. She was really nice to take sometime off from her family schedule and also from her studies to see me. A qualified medical doctor, she is sitting for her exams to become a cancer specialist. Two hours is really short and time flies. Three to four hours would be better. Funny, I don't feel at all it's a therapy session and yet it is. Anyway, I hope to see her again, maybe once a month in view of her tight schedule. Oh, she told me to eliminate "if" and "don't" from my writings. I am trying. My hypnotherapist also told me to change the drug cimetidime to omeprazole. Cimetidime when used long term, causes dementia. I planned to use cimetidime for up to two years, which according to the documentation is safe. I am now reading up on omeprazone.

I had a quarrel with my mother today. It's like when your mother is interfering in a relationship you are having with a girl. Though the relationship may not be working out so well, but at least you still one to give it a shot. Then mother comes and introduce another girl, telling you how good the girl is. Then you say no and guess what? She introduces another girl. Of course, this is not about the girl but about the therapy I am doing but I hope you get the idea. I have told her not to introduce anymore treatment to me. Every time she hears from a friend about a treatment, she wants me to try it. Even people she don't know, like today some people came to ask for some donation for another cancer patient. This person just told her how this cancer therapy managed to save the grandfather, the father and now they are collecting the money for the son, three generations in a family that got cancer. I told my mother I appreciate her well meaning gesture but she can't expect me to try every cancer treatment that she hears. Actually, we talked about this so many times already. I know she wants me to get well but  that's not the way I told her. I told her I know what I am doing in an irritating voice. I told her that she is putting a lot of pressure on me. When I try and when my condition get worst, I am sure she will blame herself for it. Most times, there are no documentation, I don't even know what I am taking in, it's pure faith. But when I don't try, she feels disappointed. Upset with me, she said she will not care about me anymore, wiping off some tears from her eyes. Sigh... I am not one of those who will try anything just to save myself even when I have run out of alternatives. I have also done the best I can to help myself. I can accept when my end is near. But meanwhile, I enjoy everyday that comes.


  1. A mother's heart is pierced with pain when she watches her son fade away little by little each day. In your mother's eyes, you are still her little darling...which parent would want to see their children this way. If your mum had a choice, she would probably trade places with you. A mother's love has no end and knows no limit. I can also understand your frustrations, so its pointless to point the finger at anyone. These things happen because its in our human condition.

    Today is Good Friday and the same pain is felt by Mother Mary as she watches Jesus die on the cross...helpless as she is, she was with him till the end.

    I pray that our lives, including your mum's and yours would make a difference to someone else after we are long gone. That would have made living worth it.

    CT, you are blessed to have a mother that cares. In her silence, she weep for you. Let love rule our lives. Remember, if there is no Good Friday, there will never be an Easter Sunday. Likewise if not for your loving mum, you would never be the person as you are now.

  2. You know best what's best for you.

    By the way, next time you adjourn for lunch, adjourn to mine.


  3. Dear Chang

    Mother will always love us, I am sure this is not the first time you have an exchange of words with her. We all go through the same in our lives with our mothers. More importantly, dont forget to tell her you love her, give her a hug at least once a day. All the hurt of yesterday will be forgotten.

    Ai Wee