Saturday, April 14, 2012

Empty Imagination

My coughing today is getting worst. As usual, blood in phlegm. Lately, the cough is also starting to affect the pain on my right leg. Every cough, there is a pull on the nerves on my right leg and makes it so painful when coughing. There are also an increase in pain all over my body. The nerve pain on my right leg shows no signs of improving, possibly getting worst. My orthopedic surgeon said the only option for me at the moment is to have surgery on my lumbar spine. The first orthopedic surgeon did not recommend surgery but to take pain killers for the rest of my life. This is something I have to consider as well. I may have to increase my pain killer dosage to two tablets per day.

I am now looking forward to start my metronomic chemotherapy once the drug arrives from overseas. The metronomic chemotherapy costs only a small fraction of the conventional chemotherapy.  As a reminder, metronomic chemotherapy is NOT the same as conventional chemotherapy. As for IL-2, I am trying to get more information from a friend about the treatment in China. I also hope to learn more about patients' experience with Hyperthermia Therapy in the coming week as another source of treatment for me.

I remember in my younger days (1970s) when I was about 13 to 15 years old, I was watching a lot of Hong Kong and Taiwanese movies then. The price of watching a movie then was cheap. Matinee prices are $0.20 while a normal ticket costs $0.40 and there's a theater called Sentul Theatre, which is walking distance from my house. I would watch alone or with my school friends after school. I remember a Taiwanese movie, the English title was "I Love You Forever" and in that show, the female lead died of leukemia and the male lead told her in his dying arms that he will love her forever. The show ended with the scene of the male lead carrying the body of his love and this scene has been etched in my mind. It was a sad ending love story. What was interesting was that as a young boy, I play out the part of the movie. I didn't know what cancer was only that it's incurable. I imagine I got cancer and what it was like to die shortly. I felt very sad. Would my girlfriend love me like what I saw in the movie? Of course, I had no girlfriend then. It was just my pure imagination. I was a young romantic boy influenced by all these movies that I watched. Little did I know when I grew up 37 years later, I would experience my real cancer. It's so different from the movies. It's not romantic at all in real life. It's very painful. It's full of suffering. You may not die peacefully. Some attempted suicide. The real life experience is life changing. I learn to appreciate life and not to take things for granted.


  1. Just to remind you that every reader is looking up on you to battle on. I am sure you agree that your blog is part of the treatment regime. All of us feel for you. Some pray for you, some send metta to you. Keep on fighting the war. You may lose a battle or two, but ultimately you will win the war.

    If we are refering to the same film, it was produced by Shaw Brothers, starring Chin Ping and Kwan Shan (I think), with Owyang Sha Fei as the loving mother. I forgotten the title. Chin Ping was my favourite actress. She was so demure and beautiful. In the film there was a huge photo of Chin Ping hung on the wall of the big mansion. Yes, this film also etched in my mind permanently.

    Justin Choo

    1. Hi Justin,

      Thanks for your constant support.

      I met your friend, Gary last Thursday at his vegetarian shop. Had a good lunch and also a good chat with him.

      As a child, we can do all the imagining that we want. But as we grow up, we were told to stop day dreaming. We have to be realistic and so on. The result is we grow up to become slaves to what other people think and say what we can or cannot do.

    2. Hi Chang,

      I feel bad reading your latest postings here. Even you were in pain, you still made an effort to meet me that day. I really thank you for it. My vegetarian restaurant's door is always open for you.


    3. Hi Gary,

      I get pain all over everyday. I have accepted it but I will not let it interfere with what I need to do, like having lunch with friends like you.

      The food at your restaurant is tasty and I hope to come more often.

  2. Chang,

    I know you are going through difficult time now. I will pray for you and if time permits I will drop by to see you. My father was admitted due to serious knee infection. Today he was discharged from Hospital and he is with me in my house now for recovery. I made a day trip to Sitiawan to take him with us. Hope you will get less pain and same goes to my father.


    1. Hi KH,

      I am glad to hear that your father is at your home recuperating. I wish him speedy recovery.

      You have been dropping by every now and then. I really appreciate it very much. Thanks buddy.

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  4. Chang
    Even though we've not met. You will always be in my thoughts and prayers.

    1. Thanks for your support. I appreciate it very much.