Thursday, November 17, 2011

It Sure Take A Long Long Time

I have been coughing profusely the last few days. I noticed that there have been more blood in my phlegm. I felt pain in my chest areas when I cough but not as bad that that I experienced during my early days of cancer. I have also experienced some throbbing pain on the right side of my chest area. These are definitely bad signs. And the pain around the kidney tumor area has also been increasing. I think the treatment in China could not have come at a better time. At the moment, I will forget all my troubles and go to India. A record of 6 days in a row that I had problem sleeping at night.

To quote Steve Jobs, "Nobody wants to die!" Yet, when you have stage 4 cancer, people react differently. I think most would want to give a fight before giving up. But after the initial fight, some would realise the fight is futile and then just accept the inevitable. Still some others will go for other therapies to try and try, not wanting to give up. For me, I would try my best to take therapies that I think would be helpful, sort of not giving in without a good fight. In time to come, I will also recognised that whatever therapy that is being tried, it's will probably be an exercise in futility.

Meanwhile, there is another activity that is taking place in parallel with the above. It would seems contradictory that on one hand a patient is trying his/her best to live and at the other end, preparation of acceptance of the inevitable is also taking place. It's not that I am giving up. Well, at least that is what's happening to me. By preparation, I mean preparing for family members and myself.  This preparation is to enable my family members have less impact when my passing becomes a reality. But self preparation is not as easy as I thought. Self preservation by instincts is very strong. There is a very strong attachment to life.To tell oneself that I am going to die is indeed difficult. Highly emotional. But this exercise is necessary because it prepares oneself to leave this world freely. The end journey would be much easier and happier. But this process takes a long time to accomplish, hence the need to start early.

Yesterday, some teacher from my daughter's school called and said to come to the school to collect the financial aid of RM100 that will be given to all students from Primary 1 to Form 5 as announced by the Government during the recent budget. I took my daughter to her secondary school but only to be told to go to another primary school nearby. First we had to line up to register to receive the aid. After that, we were told to move to the hall to attend an Aid Awarding ceremony. One VIP from certain parliamentary area was invited to give out the aid. There were speeches after speeches and I could not help but to think that this gathering has underlying tone and related to the upcoming 13th General Election. Never mind the ceremonies. We still have to wait for the VIP to present an envelop which I thought would contain the money. No, it's an empty envelop. With that empty envelop, we are then told to line up yet again at another counter to receive the actual money. Wow, what bureaucracy! I appreciate the financial aid no matter how big or small the amount maybe but the hassle we have to go through to get the money is something that is left to be desired. Fed-up, I left after half and hour. I will collect the money later.

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