After two years of fighting cancer, I thought the journey would be easier as I gained 'experience'. When I first started, I just ran as fast as I could, so that I am far away for the enemy. The beginning so much easier but as I live longer with the tumor, I found that the tumor knew me better but I still have no idea what the tumors are up to. Unfortunately, the experience that I learned would not prepare me for the journey ahead. It's like walking in the desert, every step seems more difficult then the step before.
The other day when I was traveling back from Ipoh, my friend asked me "whether I have thoughts of giving up?" My reply was swift "many times", I said. Sometimes I would wish it end there and then, "why go through so much pain?" I am just an ordinary person. But then, the next day I wake up to another day and life continues. I have been feeling quite miserable since my pair of legs gave me pain. Yesterday, I tried to walk a little faster, I found that I could not because the pain was just unbearable. I'll be damned if my mobility takes a hit. In an effort to motivate myself up, I watched the movie The Way Back. It shows the tremendous survival and fighting spirits of humans when they are forced to walk 4,000km in a very hostile environment after escaping from a Gulag camp in Siberia set during World War II period. It's not about the survival of the fittest and not about putting one's own interest first but that of the group first. That each one has his own skills that will useful when the situation dictates. Apparently supposed to based on a true story of one of the prisoners but later unearthed by BBC as false as records from USSR showed he was released 1 year later. Still, it was a good watch.
I felt a little emotional watching the movie, not just because there was a tender scene when Irena, the run away girl passed away but because the group has to constantly battle with the hostile environment to survive. It reminded me of my own daily survival battle, only mine the end is nowhere in sight. I don't have any skills and perhaps this is why my journey is so much more difficult. I do take comfort in reading the Buddhist scriptures to help me keep my sanity in check.
John, you wanted to know what the fortune teller said to me? He circled the year 2014 on a piece of paper but did not explain and just showed it to me. He whispered to me a list of foods (mainly meat) to avoid eating and do charitable deeds and make my fate.
CT,
ReplyDeleteI still follow your blog often and I am proud of your motivation and persistence, however difficult and tough for you it can sometimes be. By your will power and honest testimony, know that you would have touched many lives wherever they may be.
As much as giving up is tempting, this does not only come upon you. Many others who are healthy and faced with difficulties, challenges and work stress (none comparable to what you are journeying through)have thought of giving up too, I am sure.
At the end of the day, we are all human, we are all one race, we are all the same.
I am glad to hear that you draw strength from the holy scriptures...finding peace and perhaps solitude in the wisdom through the ages.
Our future, we do not know and cannot truly control. Therfore, as you have proven...live each day as a gift, every tomorrow as being borrowed, every yesterday as another piece of treasured memory.
I pray for your legs, that they may be more bearable for you. More importantly, I thank God for people like you who in the darkest suffering part of their journey, still offer hope, companionship, joy and strength to many.
For another friend, Liz, may her soul rest in peace as she begins another journey.
Don't need to think about 2014 as what matters is today, this minute, this second...your life still has a purpose and so long that you live out that purpose...your journey will surely continue...
Stay strong, my cyber mate!