My Drop In The Ocean

Many people say, its just one drop in the ocean, makes no difference. But do you know that after that drop, the ocean has an extra drop. It's no longer the same, it did make a difference, YOU. If each of us just make a drop, there will 7 billion extra drops in the ocean! That's a lot of drops. So don't say your drop is not important.

Switch off all your non essential lights for at least an hour only.

Love Earth. Love yourself!
Then Go Beyond The Earth Hour

It's All In The Mind

My cough is getting worst. I am not sure if it's the orange I took but I feel a lot more phlegm around my throat area. Again I will trust my TCM pills to clear out the phlegm. I am  not feeling very positive this morning. Maybe the pain around my abdominal area has made it worst. I just don't feel like doing anything including talking. I just sat on the couch, holding a large pillow brooding again. My thoughts, like the monkey running around uncontrolled. One quick way of getting out of this hole is taking a pain killer. It does a wonderful job. No pain, the mind settles down. Mediation is my preferred tool to calm the mind and hence the pain or whatever negative emotions. The mind is the chief.

This morning I got up a little late. I did not hear the alarm bell ring. I was tired and wanted to sleep longer. It was drizzling when I woke up. The dark clouds and the rainy weather contributes to my depressive mood. When the rain stopped, I went out for short walk around the neighborhood. As I reached the junction of the main road, I could see streams of cars heading towards the highway. Everybody is rushing and seems to be going somewhere, for meeting, for work, for leisure or whatever. I have dropped out of the rat race. Life takes a leisurely turn notwithstanding my illness. I have all the time now to observe the flowers, the birds and the children playing around. What a difference it makes.

Since this is Qing Ming month, I will tell you some stories about a steel bridge. A short distance from my house, is a steel bridge that spans across the Kesas highway.  My youngest daughter uses the bridge quite a lot, especially after school. She told me many times that about 50m away from the bridge, she could see a young lady dressed in pink waiting along the highway around 6pm. But when I try to see, I could not see anything. My youngest daughter has this ability see the other side but it does not happen often. My mother's friend also uses the steel bridge. One afternoon, as she was crossing the bridge, she met an old lady friend and exchanged pleasantries. Later she told my mother about meeting this old friend. My mother told her that this old lady has passed away a few months ago. Since then many people are afraid to use the bridge. Why are people afraid?

So Near Yet So Far

I have more or less decided what I want to do for my next therapies. I will continue to use Gerson diet and the juice about 6 times a day. However, I will be phasing out some of the supplements, maintaining CO-Q10, liver and pancreatin only. I have added germanium, melatonin supplements and cimetidine drug as part of the therapy. I have also decided to add the following off label drugs into my therapy namely ibandronate, cyclophosphamine and IL-2 (Interleukin-2). As such, I will postpone my visit to German for the hyperthermia therapy for the time being. The cyclophosphamine drug is for the metronomic chemo therapy while the ibandronate drug is for the gammadelta therapy. The gammadelta therapy and IL-2 is to enhance the immune system. The metronomic chemo therapy is not only for antitumour efficacy with very low toxicity, but also in a cell target switch, now aiming at tumour endothelial cells. There is a minor problem as I have yet to get my hands on two drugs. The IL-2 which requires special packaging to maintain the temperature of between 2°C-8°C. The source of this drug is either from China and Taiwan. The problem is how to ship the drug back home and not sure if I can get custom clearance. I have ordered the cyclophosphamine but I am not sure if I can get it or not. So it's still work in progress and need to do a lot more work before I can actually start the new therapies.

I have been coughing a little bit today and I noticed a little blood clot in my phlegm. The pain on my abdominal area and my right leg seems to be holding. I am taking a pain killer a day to help manage the pain. It's almost the end of March 2012 but healing has not shown any sign of improvement. I can only wait and cultivate my patience.

Seeing Things As They Are

I was rather busy today. Woke up rather early this morning at about 5am but I was still sleepy. Finally got out of bed half an hour later. My brother came over at 5.50am. We headed over to the graveyard about 30km away. We reached my grandfather's grave at about 6.15am. It was rather dark and we had to use the torchlight. I look around and not a soul in sight other than my family. Your mind can run wild and start imagining. My grandfather's graveyard area is the old type (more than 100 years old), so it can give you the eerie feeling. All the horror movies that I watched starts to come into play. But then I told myself. I didn't kill anyone why should I be afraid? Furthermore, it's my grandfather's grave, I should feel safe. But it's also inevitable that I think about death when at this kind of place. I am always aware of death.

In a 2009 study at the University of Missouri, the researches tested the interplay between death awareness and the value placed on life. Specifically, they applied the scarcity principle (that when something is perceived as more rare, it rises in value) to hypothesize that death awareness should heighten the value of life by heightening awareness of life's scarcity. Three studies were undertaken. The results of the studies suggest that the value given to life is intricately linked to thoughts of death. When people value life more, death thoughts are higher. And, when people are thinking about death, they believe life is more meaningful.

I think death awareness does not come automatically to all cancer patients. This is because after the initial cancer diagnosis, some patients sink into depression and don't recover. I believe those cancer patients who has embraced and accepted the cancer as part of their life then their life will be much happier and also more positive most of the time. I also believe there are many cancer patients like me and many more happier than me. Accepted and make the best out of it. With this death awareness, we then try to make the best out of out life. Do something meaningful. Isn't that a very good quality of life?

Reconnecting With Self

The other day, I was having a long chat with a friend about the past. Most of us carry the past baggage with us. When you are carrying so much baggage, how can you move forward to the present? I knew the past, I knew the good part and also the part where I went wrong. When you go back to the past, you want to go back and dwell on the good past feeling, imagining how my life would have been if you did this or that. And so long as I continue to dwell in the past wishing things were different, I wasn't getting anywhere. This could be career, love life, education, lost opportunities and getting cancer. When we cannot get the life we want in reality, we go back to the past and fantasize about it. Some form of escapism.

I think the key to moving on is acceptance of the ways things are now. There are somethings you can still do. Change the way you live your life in future. You can also change your job, your home, your car and even your spouse. But there are some things that cannot be changed. You can't change what happened in the past and you can't say I have no cancer. The idea is to focus on now, the present. Don't worry if the past will repeat itself. Lessons will have been learned. No point screaming and kicking what should have been. If possible, remove "should" from the vocabulary and never make a sentence with the word anymore. Forgive myself and move forward.

There will never be a right circumstances because life is not perfect. It's not about perfection but how to live in such imperfect circumstances and make the best out of it. Why are we so obsessed with being right? Because we project an identity image to everyone around us and protect our ego. Even in cancer treatment, we want the right treatment. Is there a right treatment? If I reflect on the important areas, aspects, and relationships in my life right now, I can see how I overly focused on being right so much so things turn out wrong. I suppose the answer to unlock this problem is to be real rather than being right. Being real of my own shortcomings, anger, fear, expectations and everything I do. Live a simpler life and be much happier.

I received an email from a friend and she gave to much credit as if I was a guru. I am just a beginner. Actually, my cancer has brought me awareness and it was a life changing experience for me. A psychologist said it is through service to others that we can most easily produce transformative changes--not only in those we help, but also in ourselves. Another friend complained. To slow. You never change. But I have taken the first step.

Doomed To Repeat

Yesterday, I received two emails, one from a friend and another from a reader but their theme of the emails are the same. Someone close they know has cancer. In the first email, it was a new case of prostate cancer of a 61 year old man from Perth. In the second email, it was a breast cancer relapse after many years ago. The gentleman wrote "... And all the medication she has been takin was not effective. Now, she is undergoing chemo. Even her first 3 chemo were ineffective and now they have to try another form of stronger chemo. Reading what u write somehow gives me strength to face this situation. I never expected this to happen to the person I love most in my life, and when i found out, i was just devastated." Finding out someone close to you have cancer is probably as hard to take as the cancer patient himself or herself. I am glad to be able to help, offering some comfort and also some suggestions. But I think it is equally important that healthy people be aware of cancer, the conventional and alternative treatments available. Often, when you start to read and find out then, it's not going to be easy with all those emotions running in the head. Please do not take things for granted. This is not to mean that one of your close one is going to have cancer. I hope and pray that nobody else get cancer in this world. Although that is wishful thinking, but I think, its still a dedication that I would like to make.

Yesterday, I also received another email from a regular reader who told me that she has been using IL-2 which is sourced from China at a fraction of the cost that I reported. She has been administering IL-2  to her mum on a daily basis. I am encouraged by the news and has sought her help through her uncle (another cancer survivor in remission) who is going to China to procure the medication. Once I get the details, I will email my friend in Hong Kong for some suggestion and as well as my doctor in New York for confirmation.

I have been on Melatonin for two nights already and I don't particular find it helpful in getting me to sleep faster. Maybe that is because I took only 2.5mg per night. I can sleep on my own without any aid.

How time flies. Around the corner is Qing Ming or Tomb Sweeping Day or All Souls Day which falls on 4th April, 2012 (normally on 5th April). I have been visiting my grandfather's grave since I was a little kid and since 1991, my grandmother's grave as well. My parents have decided to perform Qing Ming Wednesday morning at 6am. Like last year, this year I will also go. Going to the graveyard early morning is challenging, especially in the olden days when trees and overgrown shrubs covers the ground and graves. Also the slightest sound, one's heartbeat would pound. But as I grew older, I began to have no fear of the dark places.  Qing Ming is actually a gathering of descendants who will normally converge and perform ancestral worship. Now days, what used to be a solemn gathering has turned into a celebration. Lots of food to eat, laughing and even playing with firecrackers. If I were six feet underground, I also would like them to celebrate life. Anyway, my ashes will be thrown somewhere in Cameron Highlands where I can roam the highlands freely, go to that part of the highlands that I have never been. No grave for me. Never like to be boxed up.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Ever since I was diagnosed with late stage cancer my life changed for the worst. My health continued to deteriorate as the days passed. I did some therapy that I believe that would helped me and meanwhile hope for the best. No matter how you look at it, life will never be the same. I spent much of my time in my pre-cancer days on work and being involved in the financial services industry, the hours are long. I entered the work market at a time when the economy was declining and later it went into recession in 1984. Work was difficult to get, but I was lucky to be gainfully employed. Not so for some of my friends. During the early part of my career before I got married, my hours are long, working up to 11pm and 6pm on Saturdays. After 1990, the economy started to recover and the stock market had a bull run in 1992/93 where almost everybody gave up their jobs to become daily investor. Everybody made money, no matter which stock you touch. Many of my friends left their banking work to become remisiers. I have just completed my British accountancy examination then. As I climbed the corporate ladder, my hours became a little shorter. I leave for work at 6.30am and back at home at 8.30pm if no entertainment. After taking my dinner and bath, it would be past 9.30pm. I devote every Wednesday for jogging where I will leave work at 6pm. I love jogging because besides sweating it out, I also get to de-stress.

The routine continues and years passed.  Neglecting my own health, now I have cancer. I don't think cancer people are happy people, especially those who have late stage cancer like me. How can they be? Can I live happily as in my non cancer days? Personally I don't think so and there is no need to feel so. No need to think about the future, because tomorrow is not here yet. So I live in the present. Today. So I make the best of it. First being able to be live an extra day is already very good. I am very happy about it. Within the day, I feel happy about certain things. Like my daughter told me she got the highest marks for add-math in class. When she passed her grade 8 piano exams. I feel happy when I experience no pain. I feel happy being able to talk and meet up to chat with friends. When my friend got a promotion. A cancer friend reported improvement after treatment. Able to spent time with family members. When friends visit. When I can drive and travel around. Nothing complicated, any positive outcome, I would be happy. Suddenly, my world is now child like, simple needs. Enjoy simpler things in life.

Of course, there are other heavy stuffs to work on also. Are there sufficient finances? To work on negative emotions. Work on the therapy to improve my health. To work on my own spirituality development. Improve relationship with family members. More importantly, reflect on self and improve to become a better person.