Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I Wish I Knew

My current journey can be characterized by much more pain. I have been upping my intake of painkillers at more regular intervals of 6 hours or less. My doctor has given me a batch of 30mg dihydrocodeine tartrate and I am now taking that in place of oxycodeine hcl. The majority of the pain emanates from my right abdominal area. At time, I could feel needles punching on my abdominal walls! As I take more painkiller, the less active I have become because I tend to spend more time sleeping. The painkillers makes me drowsy and I can really sleep even with such hot weather without air-conditioning. I also feel tired. And by 10.30pm, I am also beginning to feel sleepy and would normally retire to bed.

I just got results of my blood test and the overall results has deteriorated. I have expected some deterioration because of the cyclophosphamide drug that I am taking for over a month now. I will be writing to my doctor in New York for some advice to see if I should continue or take a break from taking cyclophosphamide. I suppose my IV vitamin c + B12 therapy which I just started taking about two weeks ago should help me recover. I just need to have faith in what I have chosen to do.

Taking a cocktail of drugs/therapies for my cancer treatment is not easy. This is because everything that I am experiencing are new. Individually each drug/therapies have its own merits and strength. When combined together, theoretically there should be synergy but I can't predict what the fireworks will be. At the same time it's exciting because I have chosen to take a different approach rather than surrendering. Sometimes, I also wonder weather such effort are worth it or not? Am I gambling with my life? What is there to gamble when my condition is already beyond hope, at least from from the conventional point of view. But then, I do not subscribe to "try this or that... what have you got to lose?" strategy. A cancer patient's money and time to live are limited. If I were to try, then at least I would try those that I think would offer me some hope. A lot of damaged are done to a cancer patient's hope when a therapy fails.


  1. Hi Chang,

    It may appear that it is "gambling" as the end result is not known. But in your case, you are the banker. For those depending totally on the "advice" of the "specialists", they are like gambling in Genting.

  2. Chang,

    It is yr life, you are in charge

    Friends, Relatives good intention, affection aside, when you have decided with yr journey, accept the consequence, good or otherwise. May be explain to yr loved ones as you have expalining in the blog

    I thought that has been yr philosophy, be strong with that,

    god bless

    rgds, kokpiew

  3. at times like this CT, my mother and I would pray and meditate and see if the solution we have on hand is aligned with what the Bible says, and aligns with the will of God. It gives us peace of mind, not because we think our solution is the best solution, but because we know that God's best is the best solution. Surrendering? Yes, but not to death, but to life.

    May God continue to bless you with wisdom and touch your heart and guide you the right path..

    praying for you as always..


  4. What you are looking at and / or what you are looking for are the guiding light for your next courses of action.

    Only you know that....