You Only Live Once

Depressed or not, life has to go on. Ever since my China trip, I have been resting at home. My rests mainly consisting of either lying on the bed or sitting on the couch. And the main problem was that I was not able to sleep well at night. However, I noticed some changes lately. Since the last three days, I have been sleeping rather well. Able to sleep at night is very important. While cancer patients has been advised to rest more, I have also been thinking that sitting around resting is not very good for me. Now that my condition has improved, I feel it's time for me to be more active. To live life fuller instead of just sitting and lying around. Why make myself feel so pathetic? Life is short and literally applies to cancer patients. How many more 10 months do I have? To feel alive, I must live like as if I have no cancer. I must go out and meet friends and travel around too. Of course, I must bear in mind not to overstretch myself too much and also get sufficient rests. Yes, that's what I will do from now.

Every battle that takes place, whether within the body and mind or outside of it, is always a battle against oneself.

Zen Saying

The saying part is always easy. Even a three year old child can say it. But it's so difficult to put into action.

I am at the cross roads. The cancer spread signals a new path for me. It used be only one road but now has fork. I have been walking the old road now reaching the junction. I have a choice of continuing to walk on the old road or take the fork. My experience with the old road has been good but the results lately tells me that this road may lead to nowhere. Choosing the fork appears to be a natural selection under the circumstances but that fork road is uncharted. It's like selecting an appropriate therapy to deal with the cancer spread, not so straight forward and involves risks. There could be other options, each also having its own risks. On a day in August of 2006, while playing on the Redang beach, I was swept out into the sea by a strong wave together with two of my other colleagues. By far, I was swept the furthest away. Luckily one of my colleague managed to get back to shore and went for help. Meanwhile, I have used up all my energy trying to swim back onshore and I was so tired out in the process. I have been out in the sea for I think more than 15 minutes and I began to experience hypothermia. My skin started turning blue and before I knew it, I have lost control of my hands and feet. I closed my eyes and only the natural buoyancy was keeping me afloat. I told myself "so this is my last day on earth?" So I closed my eyes and waited for my life to end. Meanwhile, some seawater began to enter my mouth. I think only two of my sense faculties was working, touch and hearing. Just when I thought I was a gonner, I heard someone telling me it's OK. Got you! I felt her holding my hand as she pulled me all way back to the shore. Now, at the junction I am getting similar feelings. It's like having to experience dying again, only this time it will be terrifying.

I think I did not learned anything from the Redang near drowning experience. That was suppose to be a life changing experience. I was hospitalised and discharged the next day. I was walking and laughing. I went back to Redang Island. So I became egoistic. Didn't reflect on the incident and had a re-look at my life. A month earlier in July 2006, I went for full a medical check-up at a hospital. My lungs were clear. There was something not right in my blood test results. In those days, I depended on the doctor to read and interpret the results to me. Only one result was out of range, my GGT level and my doctor gave me clean bill of health. I am not blaming her now. The GGT level tells me that something could be wrong with my pancreas and liver. But I did not know that then. If I had investigated further, I would have probably discovered the kidney cancer then, most likely at Stage 1 or 2.