Since my China trip and kidney tumor ablation, I have been struggling hard to deal with the subtle changes in my body and mind. Whatever is happening to the body will affect the mind. Theoretically, the tumor ablation is supposed to reduce a large amount of tumors in my body. I am not sure about his because I still feel weak as if the tumor played a positive function in my body. The non invasive surgery is supposed to be less painful and recovery is much faster. I am not saying it's not but somehow for me, I feel the pain that I am experience now is greater than when I completed the HIFU treatment. Shouldn't it be the other way round? My China doctors has warned me that this could happen and I just couldn't believe that it's happening to me two months later. I thought over time, the wound should recover and I should feel better and better. But I am not and I am doubting and trying to understand why. The doctors said, if I experience pain, then just take some pain killers.
Maybe I am impatient and expected my body to recover faster. I thought my body is still strong but maybe I am wrong. After a while, self doubt comes in. Coupled with my depressive state of mind, it can be hard to take. Maybe this is because I put much much hope in the HIFU treatment and I have yet to see or taste the results. At times, I do believe my body has become stronger but when the pain sets in, I just interpret differently. Such a fickle mind. I know these type of thinking can be insidious but I just can't help it.
In the mist of all these, a friend called to check on me. She has been calling me every now and then giving me words of encouragement and telling me of any new cancer remedies. It's always nice to hear some words of encouragement when things are not running that well.
Last few days, my appetite has not been good. Maybe I am losing my appetite. Even after getting up in the morning, I don't feel hungry. During lunch time, I don't feel like eating. Same goes for dinner time, even though I feel hungry, I just don't feel like eating. Sigh...
Maybe I am impatient and expected my body to recover faster. I thought my body is still strong but maybe I am wrong. After a while, self doubt comes in. Coupled with my depressive state of mind, it can be hard to take. Maybe this is because I put much much hope in the HIFU treatment and I have yet to see or taste the results. At times, I do believe my body has become stronger but when the pain sets in, I just interpret differently. Such a fickle mind. I know these type of thinking can be insidious but I just can't help it.
In the mist of all these, a friend called to check on me. She has been calling me every now and then giving me words of encouragement and telling me of any new cancer remedies. It's always nice to hear some words of encouragement when things are not running that well.
Last few days, my appetite has not been good. Maybe I am losing my appetite. Even after getting up in the morning, I don't feel hungry. During lunch time, I don't feel like eating. Same goes for dinner time, even though I feel hungry, I just don't feel like eating. Sigh...
Stay strong ... I am sure your journey has been an inspiration to many unknown to you ! You give hope to others ...
ReplyDeleteThanks for your encouragement.
DeleteHi my friend, we have met once in TTDI during the meeting organised by his Highness Shyalpa Rinpoche some time ago. I admit that I am in no position to suggest any way to lighten your current endeavor. However, the very little knowledge I have gather as a buddhist from "The Bojjhangas: Medicine that Makes All Diseases Disappear" authored by Chanmyay Myaing Sayadaw (a well known Burmese Vipasanna Guru), Year Printed 2008. Maybe you have already read the book, in any case I sincerely wish you a speedy journey to a full recovery. Andy
ReplyDeleteHi Andy,
DeleteNice of you to keep in contact. I wish I could attend more meetings, maybe when I can walk normally, I hope to join you guys back.
Thanks for suggesting the book. I have not read it but I managed to find a copy of the book online (http://www.dhammikaweb.com/?p=3568) and will read it in due course.
chang, u must to eat..it is the only way to fight. Last time, i forced to eat even though i feel like throwing out when i see food during my cemo.
DeleteI am not sure if you know my diet. I am on a no salt, no oil, no sugar, no protein, no soy products, no diary and no meat diet. A lot of No Nos. Basically, my food is much like eating grass, maybe slightly better! Gerson diet is the most difficult to follow.
DeleteOf course, I think I would have no problem eating say burgers, steaks and all those forbidden foods.
Dear CT,i have not commented for sometime now due to work and i noticed you said " Whatever is happening to the body will affect the mind." for me its the other way around "whatever is happening to the mind will effect the body" so stay strong in your mind as following your writings i have noticed that you are a strong minded person,yes i know its easier said than done but dont change now keep strong in your mind and changes to getting better will follow.You have been an inspiration to many with your commitment to getting better and your strong mind is a source of inspiration to many so keep strong and get better AND YOU MUST EAT AND REST. Regards AL MAL.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Anon@ 07:44pm
DeleteDhammapada verses 1 and 2.