If Tomorrow Never Comes

Allow me to blow my own trumpet a bit today. It's helps to push my depression away. I received an email from my TCM classmate (a breast cancer survivor) yesterday and this is what she wrote:

... I have asked  a few of my cancer friends to read ur blog & they, like me , are inspire by your struggle & strength. 

You may not know this but you have made an impact into our lives, ESP the ones with cancer!!

She just made my day. Yeah....

I never thought I would live that long. But when I did not die after the first six months, I began to have some hope. But each hope brings in more expectations and when the results does not come, I sink deeper into obliviation. Because the hopes become meaningless. It becomes a painful experience so much so you don't want to hope or try therapies anymore. Then you also start not to think that much into the future because the future is the present. Though I do plan what to do, I am actually living day to day. Each days as it comes, I have a new experience. I change my plan depending on my own condition. My mind slowly becomes conditioned to the unsettling nature of my illness, not to expect too much from the therapies. Not to expect tomorrow will come automatically for me. When there is less expectation, the heart settles down, the mind become more rational. This does not mean that I am giving up. Still, I allow a small part of me to die everyday. It's OK, I would tell myself. Not to be so attached to life. This is inevitable because if I find myself in a situation where I will say die within the next few days, I don't think my mind would be able to handle that development as I am not adequately prepared for it. So by preparing for the eventuality, I feel happier because each day I survive, it becomes a bonus.

People say time passes quickly when you have fun. Despite all those positive thinking, passing each day is not easy. The mind is always fighting to maintain the positive equilibrium. Consider this simple exercise. Remind yourself to smile throughout the day, everyday. Now, how does that feel? Was it easy to do? It's like revving the car engine continuously, sooner or later your legs will run out of steam. I do allow myself to stew in negative thoughts pockets. A taste of sadness allows me to appreciate the happiness more, not to take it for granted because it does not come automatically. It has to be worked for. Having said that, sadness can easily lead into the self pity trap. When in this mode, the mind feeds on the sadness and refuses to leave. Consumed by self pity, the mind delights to maintain a childlike wish to be dependent, and the heart desires the need for someone to comfort. It's difficult to draw a fine line when the sadness limit is crossed because we are emotional beings. Yet we look forward to the next day, if it comes. Because this world is so beautiful.

I would like to share with you a beautiful song, Streets of London by Ralph Mctell. After hearing this song, I feel ashamed to complain about my life.