Keep Hanging On

Every where I look, its depressing. I have not been able to shake off my depression. At times I feel I have almost beaten it only to find myself sinking deeper in. It's like quicksand. The more you resist, the more you sink in. Living with cancer is already difficult and to find your cancer advancing is very depressing. Still it's a choice of how I make of it. Continue to indulge in self-pity or make the best out of it. But I am also very tired. Physically I am exhausted. Mentally, I have tried to cope as much as I can take. Perhaps being depressed is one way to help my mind cope with so much pain. I don't know how much longer I can maintain my sanity. I am just an ordinary person, no superman. Remaining positive is like swimming against the current. How much longer can I keep up? At times, I feel like trowing in the towel. Easy way out, like taking a holiday forever. Take a last glance at the world and close my eyes forever. As a Buddhist, I will take my chances on my next rebirth, whatever it maybe. My greatest regret is not having the courage to live the way I want, true to myself.

How do I contain those constantly felt negative feelings and depression? My best weapon is music, soothing and relaxing music. Next is to have someone to talk to. No, I don't want them to give me any advise, just be there for me and listen. When that is not possible, I go for walks. Why not meditation? The mind is agitated and the heart restless. Those negative emotions must be dealt with and not suppressed. Only then would relief come.

Yesterday after lunch, the pain on my abdominal area became more pronounced. Normally, the pain if it comes, are usually after dinner. As the day progressed, it became painful and I had to take the pain killer. Then I was awaken by the abdominal pain at about 5am. Woke up, made a hot oatmeal drink and then took another pain killer. I am monitoring the situation.

I think I need a holiday. I have decided not to go Sri Lanka in the middle of this month due to my abdominal pain. Perhaps later in the year. My friend Eddie from Ipoh has invited me to stay in his house for a few days. The last time when I was there, we spent so much time talking. He was my colleague from my banking days in the 80s. He is retired and so we get to talk for the whole day. When you get older, you reminisce the good old days. The best time we spent together was in 84, together with his colleagues, we stayed at Strawberry Park, Cameron Highlands. That was the first time I went to Cameron Highlands. I fell in love with the place immediately. It consists of verdant hills and valleys. We booked a one room apartment. The girls took the room and the guys had to sleep in the hall. Actually we did not sleep very much. We spent the whole night eating and talking. We got together at the fire place and sang out hearts out, especially the heart touching song We Are The World. Oh, how I missed those days. I have not decided whether to take up his offer. This is because he is such a good host, I don't want to trouble him. He would drive me around and this time he said, we could go to Cameron Highlands to stay for a day. Very tempting offer. I may just go to have a break in routine.

Think for a Moment

NEVER JUDGE ANYONE BECAUSE You never know how their life is or as to what is happening or what they’re going through. Just think ABOUT this moment.

-Author Unknown-