It's past twelve midnight and I could not sleep. Fed-up of not wanting to staying up late, I took a sleeping pill. The pill tasted so bitter. I just wanted to sleep and just could not care if sleeping pill was bad for me.
Earlier yesterday, a friend who is also regular reader of my blog paid me a visit. It's nice of her to drop by. She is a breast cancer survivor and we exchanged some information. She has been using some anti-oxidative treatment for sometime now and she thought it would also beneficial to me and brought a brochure along. After reading the brochure, I told her that it is unlikely that it will be beneficial to me. She also told me that she read my blog from the very start. After hearing what she said, a thought occurred in my mind.
After she left, my mind continued to wonder those feelings of my early moments upon discovery of my tumors. I was terrified to learned that I would not lived for more than 6 months and I actually believe what my doctors said. At the urging of a friend, I started writing this blog, to document my last few days on earth. You can actually see the posting titles of my early postings are actually counting my last days. As each day passed, my heart sank lower and lower. I was losing weight rapidly and looked not only fragile but haggard as well. I dare not look myself in the mirror. Not handsome is already bad but now with only bones and skin left. I could not even sit properly. I was already thinking about my own funeral arrangements and I thought it would be good if I were to passed away after Chinese New Year (CNY) celebrations in the February of 2010. The Chinese believes that CNY is considered a big day and being so sickly, I was unlikely be able to "beat" that day. Still I was hoping. I have yet to tell my parent of my cancer then and would it be fair to them only to find out when I am dead? I really don't know how I managed to pass those days. I shed a lot of tears. Maybe that helped me.
One month before the discovery of my cancer in September 2009, I went to University Tunku Abdul Rahman (UTAR) to submit my PhD research proposal. I was planning to research on whether it was possible to predict the stock price movements. I wanted to do a research that I am able to use it to make some money after completion of my studies. In October 2009, my research proposal was approved by UTAR and I was supposed to start my studies in November 2009. Looking back, I should have pursued my PhD but I also remember the doctor said I would not survive 6 months. What I am trying to say is that even when we are very sick, we should not anticipate when we will die. Why bring problems into your life when you have so many issues on your plate already? Instead we should live life fully and do what we want to do. If I did that then, I would have probably completed my PhD by now and maybe make some money in the stock market to fund my cancer therapy.
I am now going through a period of darkness in my life. I feel I am in emotional turmoil and depressed. The pain of the cancer made it worst. So expect to see negativity in my writings. It's been three months and I don't know when it's coming to an end. It's by no means that I have given up but just expressing how I am feeling at the moment of writing the post. I appreciate your prayers, positive thoughts and wishes.
This morning I have been coughing profusely. Each time I cough, more blood came out and the coughing has not stopped. Also noticed I got some nose bleeding too. If it continues, I will pay a visit to my doctor to get some treatment and if it become worst, I am not sure if I want to be admitted into a hospital. Meanwhile, I am making camomile tea with honey to soothe the lungs. I am also taking TCM pills called Zhui Feng He Wan to stop the coughing. A lung cancer friend said after two to three days, the coughing of blood should stop.
I will have to stop taking Aspirin for the time being. As the blood thins, it's difficult to stop bleeding as the blood does not clot easy.
I have planned to drive to my doctor's clinic for IVC but it looks like I may have to postpone it to later in the day or another day if my condition does not improve.
Earlier yesterday, a friend who is also regular reader of my blog paid me a visit. It's nice of her to drop by. She is a breast cancer survivor and we exchanged some information. She has been using some anti-oxidative treatment for sometime now and she thought it would also beneficial to me and brought a brochure along. After reading the brochure, I told her that it is unlikely that it will be beneficial to me. She also told me that she read my blog from the very start. After hearing what she said, a thought occurred in my mind.
After she left, my mind continued to wonder those feelings of my early moments upon discovery of my tumors. I was terrified to learned that I would not lived for more than 6 months and I actually believe what my doctors said. At the urging of a friend, I started writing this blog, to document my last few days on earth. You can actually see the posting titles of my early postings are actually counting my last days. As each day passed, my heart sank lower and lower. I was losing weight rapidly and looked not only fragile but haggard as well. I dare not look myself in the mirror. Not handsome is already bad but now with only bones and skin left. I could not even sit properly. I was already thinking about my own funeral arrangements and I thought it would be good if I were to passed away after Chinese New Year (CNY) celebrations in the February of 2010. The Chinese believes that CNY is considered a big day and being so sickly, I was unlikely be able to "beat" that day. Still I was hoping. I have yet to tell my parent of my cancer then and would it be fair to them only to find out when I am dead? I really don't know how I managed to pass those days. I shed a lot of tears. Maybe that helped me.
One month before the discovery of my cancer in September 2009, I went to University Tunku Abdul Rahman (UTAR) to submit my PhD research proposal. I was planning to research on whether it was possible to predict the stock price movements. I wanted to do a research that I am able to use it to make some money after completion of my studies. In October 2009, my research proposal was approved by UTAR and I was supposed to start my studies in November 2009. Looking back, I should have pursued my PhD but I also remember the doctor said I would not survive 6 months. What I am trying to say is that even when we are very sick, we should not anticipate when we will die. Why bring problems into your life when you have so many issues on your plate already? Instead we should live life fully and do what we want to do. If I did that then, I would have probably completed my PhD by now and maybe make some money in the stock market to fund my cancer therapy.
I am now going through a period of darkness in my life. I feel I am in emotional turmoil and depressed. The pain of the cancer made it worst. So expect to see negativity in my writings. It's been three months and I don't know when it's coming to an end. It's by no means that I have given up but just expressing how I am feeling at the moment of writing the post. I appreciate your prayers, positive thoughts and wishes.
Update
I will have to stop taking Aspirin for the time being. As the blood thins, it's difficult to stop bleeding as the blood does not clot easy.
Chang,
ReplyDeleteI tried 2x to send u comments but I failed.
I understand how u feel. I had that feelings when i had chemo-8 miserable mths - down n helpless. It is up to u to go on fighting. U are strong n smart. I think u shd consult a doctor then decide.
Take care.
Jasmine
Hi Chang,
ReplyDeleteYour blog journal is also part of the therapy. Keep going.