No Life

In my last post, an anonymous reader suggested that I take the melatonin supplement. I did a look-up in the Internet and found out that one can easily order online in the US as it is sold without prescription and over the counter. Then I visited my regular pharmacy to see if I can buy a bottle but was told by the pharmacist that they do not have stock. I then asked her if she could place a special order for me but she said she also don't know where to order the product. As a qualified pharmacist, I wonder why it is so difficult to contact her suppliers and ask? I mean if she wanted a prescription, I would then visit my doctor to get a description. Later I found out in the forums that it is very difficult to get in Malaysia and it would be easier to go to Singapore and buy some at health shops.

Recently I have been communicating with a cancer friend and come to know more about her through our email correspondences. Hopefully, we both can go Germany together to get the Hyperthermia treatment in say April or May. It would be nice to go together so that we can mutually encourage and support each other. In my journey, it really difficult passing every single day of late. I take certain decision and it affects my well being. For example, I chose not to take pain killers during the day. As such I have painful sensations during day time and if you see me, I spend most of my time lying down or sitting on the cough brooding as I curl myself together to minimise the discomfort and pain. Actually, I should not be complaining because I know of people in worst condition than me.

A friend once told me I should not have taken the HIFU treatment. She said she would have advised me not to do but said I would not have listen to her, so she kept quiet. I often seek her counsel. What makes me want to take this treatment? At this very moment, my only way of knowing my own well being is from what my body tells me. I have not taken CT/MRI scans on my chest and abdomen for more than a year. I gather from my body based on not only how I feel, but the physical symptoms and also a bit of the inner feelings. I know I am getting weaker by the day. There are so many therapies that I have read. So when I read a certain therapy, I just know that this therapy is suitable for me to take. Just like I would not take the conventional treatment also also some alternative therapies that was recommended. How do I know? I can't explain to you in a logical manner. It comes from reading the documentation and also the inner self. I also know that my condition is deteriorating and that my present therapy is not holding that well. Hence having another therapy seems obvious but selecting which therapy has always been difficult. HIFU for me is to debulk the tumor mass. It would not cure me but I hope my body would respond better with lesser tumors in my body.

When I was in China, after completing my HIFU treatment, my mind was thinking what next therapy should I take to treat my lungs (and now my left knee too)? The doctors have told me to take Avastin, the conventional drug targeted at small cell lung cancer. He said that was my only hope. Cold and hungry, I kept thinking is that so while resting in my hospital bed. It was only when I came back home, I was reintroduced to Hyperthermia therapy. I mean I have read some documentation about fever therapy before but was not convinced until now. Probably that was because I have more documentation now. Of course the question still remains, is Hyperthermia the correct treatment? I don't really know but I know it will help me get better. I am hoping more than better. It was chosen because of the strong research backing and that it is within my means to take the treatment. This is my life now.