When we decide to do a therapy, the expectation is that the therapy will help, or at least our condition would not deteriorate. I had my fair share of disappointments throughout last year. Firstly, a new node the size of 3.5cm was discovered in the T6 area in March 2010 and subsequently, another new lymph nodule the size of a marble was discovered on my left collar bone in July 2010. Also, the nodes in my lungs and also the tumor in my right kidney seems to be changing with every CT scan. At one scan, it would grow and then a subsequent scan it would shrink. I am really at a loss what to make of my progress anymore. The bottom line is I have more tumors in my body compared to when I started. I like the term my oncologist used, slow progressing.
I have been reading Bill Henderson's book, Cancer Free, Your Guide to Gentle Non-Toxic Healing to see what recommendations he is giving. His former wife died after a four-year bout with cancer. He then went on a crusade and wrote this book to help out cancer patients. In his book, he recommends cancer patient try his protocol (which also includes five no-noes namely no sugar, no processed food, no animal protein, no dairy and no gluten) for three months and if it didn't work (no guarantee of course), then change to some other protocol. I am beginning to feel a little desperate and restless. Come one more week, I will be in therapy for 19 months, not bad considering I was given six months or less to live. But after 18+ months, the fact is I am still going nowhere. Am I too impatient? Should I give myself more time before I try something else? Or should I continue and slowly waste away?
Some weird things are happening to me. For example, I now have trouble eating steamed or boiled potatoes. Every time I take a bite, it feels so bitter that I want to vomit. I even feel the Hippocrates soup that I drink during my lunch and dinner seems to have gone bad, a sour taste. Have I developed a phobia? I don't know. Occasionally I am also having problems eating my lunch and/or dinner. I feel very hungry but I just can't eat. I tried and at best, I would finish half the portion. Every time, I miss a meal, I lose weight even though I make it up with oats. But on good days when I eat more, I just could not put on the additional weight. I really tried to eat a lot to gain weight but no luck. Miss a meal and I lose weight. I just cannot win.
This year, I also have been experiencing more pain that last year. The pain seems to come more frequently and stay for longer periods. Pain around my left shoulder blade, around my ribs, my back, the area below my right armpit and yesterday, I had continuous pain around the back of my right waist area for the whole day. The blood stained phlegm that I throw out is now an everyday affair. My energy levels is worst off when compared to a year ago. Under such scenario, should I remain conservative in my approach? I am only describing my physical pain. What about the emotional and mental struggle I go through everyday? Now I can understand why some cancer patients wants to die alone. I can see the pain the loves ones go through when watching the patient die is possibly as bad as what the cancer patient goes through.
My brother was the first one to remind me if my Gerson therapy has reached saturation point. He suggested that I look at additional therapies. I have ordered the mediation online and will start the dextrorotatory lactic acid therapy once the medication arrive from Greece and not forgetting the flax seed oil + cottage cheese diet. I hope with these additional therapies, my situation would improve. While it is very easy to look for new therapies, but I am also afraid to start any new therapy because the disappointment from no improvements would hurt a lot more.
Today, is tomb sweeping day, a day of remembrance of the departed. My family performed the rites last Tuesday. Lately, it was reported in the newspaper that the prices of private burial plots have jumped many folds because many people now buy burial plots as an investment and sell when the price is right. This phenomena only happens when you privatise cemeteries. For a Chinese, dying is also a very expensive affair now days. When my turn comes, it will be cremation and my ashes will be scattered at a designated site in Cameron Highlands. No burial.
I can really relate to what you're feeling now. i might not be good at giving words of wisdom or encouragement but with all my heart I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI can understand u. I hv been in that situation before. It is 5 yrs now. Try to boil oat when cold blend it with protein powder. Yr tongue is cant taste well now. It must be white on the surface meaning not much good vessels in it. So u must eat to fight.Life is beautiful so it is worth fighting!! U can find EFT on u tube - David childerley. Rgds, Jasmine
ReplyDeleteHYDERABAD, India - One of India's best-known spiritual leaders, famous for his apparent miracles and long list of influential followers, is on life support in a southern hospital, officials said on Tuesday.
ReplyDeleteSatya Sai Baba, 85, who has devotees in more than 100 countries, was admitted to a hospital funded by his organisation in the town of Puttaparthi with lung and chest congestion on March 28.
His condition has since deteriorated and he is now on a ventilator and is receiving kidney dialysis, the most recent health bulletin from the hospital said on Tuesday.
He remains "critical," although his "level of consciousness has considerably improved" and his vital systems are "stable", said the update from the Sri Satya Sai Institute of Higher Medical Sciences.
Thousands of followers have begun arriving in Puttaparthi, home to Sai Baba's ashram in the southeastern state of Andhra Pradesh, with many agitated by conflicting information given out by local authorities.
Government officials have sought to play down the seriousness of his condition, while police are preventing groups from gathering in the town, according to local reports.
The wild-haired leader has a following of millions in India and abroad, many of whom believe him to be a living god, and the reincarnation of the great spiritual guru, Sai Baba of Shirdi, who died in 1918.
The guru, who claims to have performed several miracles including bringing men back to life, counts former Indian prime ministers, top businessmen and even the country's cricketers among his devotees.
His organisation funds health and education projects in India, including a string of hospitals that claim to be able to cure ailments beyond the capabilities of mainstream medicine.
He and Mata Amritanandamayi Devi, the so-called "hugging saint" of Kerala, are the best known of thousands of Hindu ascetics.
The swami's birth in Andhra Pradesh is shrouded in mystery.
One hagiographical account by a biographer claimed the mysterious sounding of drums signalled his impending birth.
In his teens he is said to have begun singing verses in Sanskrit, a language of which he had no prior knowledge, and then became able to materialise flowers and sweets to the astonishment of observers.
His devotees also credit him with an ability to remember his past lives, a frequent claim of Indian holy men, and he is believed to produce sacred ash every day.
His work in education and health has won him widespread acclaim and respectability, but his reputation has also been damaged by allegations of sexual abuse and paedophilia.
A BBC programme in 2004 called "The Secret Swami" featured interviews with former followers who claimed Sai Baba took advantage of them. The allegations were denied by the spiritual leader's organisation.
- AFP