Empty Imagination

My coughing today is getting worst. As usual, blood in phlegm. Lately, the cough is also starting to affect the pain on my right leg. Every cough, there is a pull on the nerves on my right leg and makes it so painful when coughing. There are also an increase in pain all over my body. The nerve pain on my right leg shows no signs of improving, possibly getting worst. My orthopedic surgeon said the only option for me at the moment is to have surgery on my lumbar spine. The first orthopedic surgeon did not recommend surgery but to take pain killers for the rest of my life. This is something I have to consider as well. I may have to increase my pain killer dosage to two tablets per day.

I am now looking forward to start my metronomic chemotherapy once the drug arrives from overseas. The metronomic chemotherapy costs only a small fraction of the conventional chemotherapy.  As a reminder, metronomic chemotherapy is NOT the same as conventional chemotherapy. As for IL-2, I am trying to get more information from a friend about the treatment in China. I also hope to learn more about patients' experience with Hyperthermia Therapy in the coming week as another source of treatment for me.

I remember in my younger days (1970s) when I was about 13 to 15 years old, I was watching a lot of Hong Kong and Taiwanese movies then. The price of watching a movie then was cheap. Matinee prices are $0.20 while a normal ticket costs $0.40 and there's a theater called Sentul Theatre, which is walking distance from my house. I would watch alone or with my school friends after school. I remember a Taiwanese movie, the English title was "I Love You Forever" and in that show, the female lead died of leukemia and the male lead told her in his dying arms that he will love her forever. The show ended with the scene of the male lead carrying the body of his love and this scene has been etched in my mind. It was a sad ending love story. What was interesting was that as a young boy, I play out the part of the movie. I didn't know what cancer was only that it's incurable. I imagine I got cancer and what it was like to die shortly. I felt very sad. Would my girlfriend love me like what I saw in the movie? Of course, I had no girlfriend then. It was just my pure imagination. I was a young romantic boy influenced by all these movies that I watched. Little did I know when I grew up 37 years later, I would experience my real cancer. It's so different from the movies. It's not romantic at all in real life. It's very painful. It's full of suffering. You may not die peacefully. Some attempted suicide. The real life experience is life changing. I learn to appreciate life and not to take things for granted.