I just realised after today's post, I have posted a total of 1,000 posts in my blog. When I first started this blog, never thought that I would reach this milestone. It's not that I am keeping records or there are any goals that I set, because I was just blogging my last few months on earth. Six months to live for a cancer patient is actually a very short time. There are so many things to do. The therapies to take, the taming of the monkey mind who refuses to be at peace and also the unfinished personal business. I have taken courses like Steven Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. The third habit is Put First Thing First. I found out then when I had cancer, my mind just could not think straight, at least in the beginning. The priority was the therapy, to get well. But in my case, there were no therapies available, I have to find my own therapy. Obsessed with finding a "right" therapy. Meanwhile, the mind just keeps on expanding with negative thoughts, trying to come to terms with cancer and of dying. There are also unfinished personal business like forging closer relationship with family, the bucket lists, etc. All these happening at the same time and time flies. Most of the time I was in a daze, walking round and round in a maze. I can say six months is not enough to settle all my business.
Six months came and gone just like that. Now I am in my 32nd month. No, I am not counting anymore. I just take a day at a time and do what I can for the day. I am not even going to do my best because that would put a lot of stress on me. Some days, I will be at my best and other days, I am less than best. And it's OK. Since I have accepted myself for what I am, I can accept for some days, I will be very positive and for other days, I am less than positive. There are no expectations. This way, I feel I can live my life freely and not be a burden to anyone.
As for therapies, I do spent sometime looking for them but not at the pace I did before. I have accepted that they may not be any therapy that maybe suitable for me. I can accept that. When that happens, I am prepared to live out my remaining life without any therapy. I have accepted my life for whatever it brings, I will savor every moment that I have. And that in everything I do daily, no matter how insignificant it is, there are moments of happiness.
Six months came and gone just like that. Now I am in my 32nd month. No, I am not counting anymore. I just take a day at a time and do what I can for the day. I am not even going to do my best because that would put a lot of stress on me. Some days, I will be at my best and other days, I am less than best. And it's OK. Since I have accepted myself for what I am, I can accept for some days, I will be very positive and for other days, I am less than positive. There are no expectations. This way, I feel I can live my life freely and not be a burden to anyone.
As for therapies, I do spent sometime looking for them but not at the pace I did before. I have accepted that they may not be any therapy that maybe suitable for me. I can accept that. When that happens, I am prepared to live out my remaining life without any therapy. I have accepted my life for whatever it brings, I will savor every moment that I have. And that in everything I do daily, no matter how insignificant it is, there are moments of happiness.
Hi Chang,
ReplyDeleteWhen one accepts and flow with reality, one's life is at peace. Of course it is easier said than done; but you have proven to us that it can be done. This is real Dhamma.
Take care.
Hi Bro Chang,
ReplyDeleteIt is not easy to accept your present predicament as a normal human being craves to live at all costs. I really salute your attitude towards life. Takes life as it comes along by living in the present. However, please reflect daily all the good merits that you have accumulated over your life as such though will support you to a better rebirth. I still remember our late Chief Reverend K. Sri Dhammananda used to tell us about how he reacted when his doctor diagnosed he had prostrate cancer. Instead of worry & sad, he burst out laughing. The doctor told him he was the only patient who behaved like this. He then explained in life you have to accept whatever good or bad things that happens to a person. Later, the doctor learned that he was the Chief Monk of Malaysia & Spore.
Dear Bro Lim and Justin,
DeleteI remember the story after Cunda served the Buddha the last meal.
And the Buddha, sending for Ananda, said to him, "Enough now, Ananda! Do not sorrow and cry. Have I not already repeatedly told you that there is separation and parting from all that is dear and beloved? How is it possible that anything that has been born, has had a beginning, should not again die? Such a thing is not possible."
There is no need to cling on. The body has served its purpose and when the time to move on comes, I gladly go.
Hi Bro Kim Heng,
DeleteThe Chief Rev did not want chemotherapy as he told the doctor that he did not want to lose his hair. That was a good joke from one who was threatened with death.
Hi CT ... a most at peace philosophy ! I have learned much from you !
ReplyDeleteBest wishes,
Gan
When we say 'now', now already a past tense the second we said it. This is one of the aphorism of Master Cheng Yen.
ReplyDeleteThe very moment is most precious. Do what is right, do what it's supposed to do are what matter. Whatever deeds, good and bad, will be following us to next life.
New life, new adventure, new suffering,....carrying on and on until one break free from this cycle. Possible? Unlikely.
What's next then? Start from ourselves, purify our hearts, observe 5 precepts, practise compassion, learn contentment, do good deeds to make this cycle an enjoyable one. The world will be a pure land by then. Hard but not impossible.
Gary